Bacon Dreams and Murder: Jealous New York Man Tries to Feed Romantic Rival to Pigs, Fails to Consider FBI’s "No Swine Left Behind" Policy

Bacon Dreams

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Moral of the Story, Don't plan to feed your rivals to pigs.

COLONIE, NY — In a plot that sounds like it was rejected from an episode of Breaking Bad: Farm-to-Table Edition, Jeal Sutherland, 57, attempted to win back his ex’s affection the old-fashioned way — by allegedly hiring a hitman and feeding her baby daddy to pigs.

Because nothing says “I miss us” quite like hog-assisted homicide.

Pork & Circumstantial Evidence

Let’s break it down: Jeal, a man whose name sounds suspiciously like a rejected cologne, got a little too in his feelings after learning his ex had a child with another man. Rather than channeling his energy into yoga, therapy, or interpretive dance, he opted for the most logical next step:

Hire a fake pig farmer to murder a guy and let the pigs do the dirty work.

Yes, pigs. The animals famous for mud baths, oinking, and literally being the mascots for overeating, were tapped for clean-up duty in a low-budget revenge plot that makes Tiger King look like Downton Abbey.

Dial P for Pig

From November 2024 to January 2025, Jeal used his cell phone — the same device most of us use to play Wordle and ignore our mothers — to orchestrate this ham-handed hit. He contacted someone he thought was a hog farmer, but it turns out:

Plot twist — it was an undercover FBI agent.(Cue dramatic pig squeal.)

This is what happens when your criminal mastermind plan is based entirely on watching one episode of Criminal Minds while high on pork rinds.

Goose on the Loose

But wait, it gets wildly more poultry.

In what prosecutors described without laughing (somehow), Jeal had a buddy leave a dead Canadian goose on the victim’s mother’s porch — with a threatening note stuffed in its beak.

Yes, a goose. As in, the bird best known for terrorizing toddlers at parks and pooping on golf courses. Jeal weaponized Canada’s angriest export to send a message.

We don’t know what the note said, but we hope it read:

“You’re next. HONK.”

Bacon Dreams, Federal Nightmares

FBI Agent Craig Tremaroli confirmed Jeal’s plan included murder, goose drama, and pig-assisted corpse removal — which is now officially a federal felony and also probably a new Nicolas Cage movie.

Thanks to swift action by FBI Albany, the plan was stopped cold. Jeal was arrested before any pigs were involved, making this a rare case where everyone wins — except Jeal and the goose.

Oink If You’re Guilty

Sutherland has pleaded guilty and faces:

• Up to 10 years in prison (no pig privileges),

• A $250,000 fine (that’s a lot of bacon), and

• Three years of supervised release, which will almost certainly include a restraining order from every barnyard in the tristate area.

Sentencing is scheduled for September 22, giving the judge enough time to find the exact right tone between disgust, concern, and uncontrollable laughter.

Let’s review some basic do’s and don’ts:

• ✅ Do seek professional help when love hurts.

• ✅ Do work on emotional resilience.

• ❌ Don’t send a threat goose.

• ❌ Don’t Google “How to feed someone to pigs” unless you’re a horror novelist or an FBI training dummy.

• ❌ Definitely don’t use pigs as hitmen. They don’t work weekends and their union is a nightmare.

This may be the first time in U.S. legal history that Canadian geese and pigs were named as co-conspirators in a murder plot. Somewhere, Charlotte’s Web is crying.

Until next time: stay safe, stay sane, and don’t weaponize livestock.