BREAKING NEWS: American Construction Workers Overwhelmingly Reject Unions.

Unions, Please

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“Unions just don’t get me,” says Ryan Light who has 12-hour-old Monster Energy breath.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning rebuke of collectivism, a record 89.7% of U.S. construction workers have officially declared unions “uncool” by refusing to join them, according to a new Bureau of Labor Statistics report released Monday. The data reveals that nearly nine out of 10 hardhats now prefer negotiating wages and workplace safety by yelling at their bosses over the sound of a jackhammer or, in extreme cases, using interpretive dance.

“Why pay union dues when I can just argue with my foreman over whether OSHA is a real thing?” said Chad “Two-By” Malone, a nonunion roofer from Ohio who recently bartered his dental plan for a half-eaten Subway sandwich. “Unions want me to attend meetings? Bro, I haven’t sat in a chair without a cupholder since 2019.”

The report, analyzed by the anti-union think tank Associated Builders and Contractors, found union membership plummeted to 10.3% in 2024, down from 10.7% the year prior. Experts attribute the decline to workers’ growing preference for “rugged individualism,” such as resolving wage disputes via aggressive hand gestures or accepting payment in Venmo requests marked “plz don’t tell IRS.”

Workers Overwhelmingly Reject Unions: Unions Desperate to Appeal to “Radical” Base of People Who Want Lunch Breaks

The Biden administration’s recent push to funnel taxpayer-funded projects to union contractors—a policy critics call “Big Labor’s latest cash grab”—has only deepened the divide. Nonunion workers say they’re turned off by unions’ “radical” demands, like “not dying in a trench collapse” or “health insurance that covers more than Motrin and regret.”

“Unions keep talking about ‘fair wages’ and ‘collective bargaining,’ but what about my right to get stiffed on overtime pay?” said Duke Ramirez, a nonunion electrician who recently celebrated his third consecutive year of owing money on TurboTax. “I don’t need some suit in D.C. telling me how to get exploited. I can get exploited my way.”

Union recruitment officers say they’ve tried everything to attract members, including handing out flyers titled “What Even Is a Pension?” and hosting TikTok livestreams of middle-aged men arguing about dental plan deductibles. But their efforts have fallen flat.

“We offered free ‘I ♥ OSHA’ bumper stickers and a 10% discount on knee braces,” said union rep Greg O’Reilly, staring despondently at an empty sign-up sheet. “Turns out, workers would rather trust their boss’s verbal promise of a ‘Christmas bonus’ that’s just a 15 Starbucks gift card with $2.63 left on it.”

Trump Vows to Save Construction Workers From Biden’s “Woke” Concrete

Workers Overwhelmingly Reject Unions: Meanwhile, President Donald Trump has seized on the report, pledging to “liberate hardworking Americans from union tyranny” by replacing Project Labor Agreements with “Project Freedom Agreements,” which would allow contractors to pay workers in Trump NFTs and expired Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

“Under my plan, every construction site will be a meritocracy,” Trump said at a rally in Iowa, flanked by men in safety vests holding signs that read “MAKE REBAR GREAT AGAIN.” “No more radical leftist rules like ‘hardhats required’ or ‘don’t pour cement on Todd.’”

ABC Vice President Ben Brubeck praised Trump’s vision, arguing that eliminating Biden’s “pro-union bias” would save taxpayers billions. “Why let unions hog all the graft?” Brubeck said. “Let’s open the bidding to everyone—even that guy in the Home Depot parking lot who ‘knows a thing about drywall.’”

Nonunion Workers Celebrate Freedom to Be Crushed by Scissor Lift

As the debate rages, nonunion workers say they’ll continue embracing their newfound independence. Many have already begun innovating workaround solutions to traditional labor protections, such as:

• Using GoFundMe as a primary healthcare provider.

• Classifying workplace injuries as “character-building exercises.”

• Letting their toddlers operate forklifts (“He’s got great hand-eye coordination for a 4-year-old!”).

“Unions had their chance,” said Malone, adjusting his bootlace brace. “But I’d rather negotiate my own destiny—preferably with my trusty wrench and a prayer.”

For more breaking news, watch our exposé: “OSHA Investigates Mysterious Trend of Workers ‘Accidentally’ Falling Into Woodchippers After Asking for Raises.”

#true #Satire #Unions