STOCKS: How to Get Rich Off the Apocalypse Because Ethics Are for Poors

Stocks

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When it comes to making money do ethics matter to you?

Let’s be clear: you’re not here for steady, responsible returns—you’re here for pure, unapologetic blood money. And guess what? You’re in luck. These three so-called “all-weather” Closed-End Funds (CEFs) don’t just survive in chaos; they feed on it. With a rock-solid 6.8% dividend yield, they’re like arsonists making a killing selling fire insurance. They don’t just weather market crashes, geopolitical disasters, or economic meltdowns—they thrive on them.

These funds have raked in profits through wars, pandemics, and climate catastrophes, exploiting every crisis while the rest of the market panics. They’re like cockroaches in a financial nuclear apocalypse—untouchable, unkillable, and disturbingly profitable. Even as governments scramble to regulate Big Tech’s worst excesses, these funds quietly turn those dystopian side hustles into your passive income. Facial recognition, surveillance capitalism, resource extraction—you name it, they’ve monetized it.

Now, don’t get us wrong—we wouldn’t touch these investments with a 10-foot, Vatican-blessed crucifix. Some of us still cling to outdated concepts like morality, ethics, or not actively fueling the apocalypse. If you lose sleep over carbon footprints, labor exploitation, or privacy violations, then move along—this list isn’t for you. But if you’re the type who sees human suffering as a diversification strategy and sleeps just fine on a mattress stuffed with blood-stained dollar bills, well…

Welcome to your new portfolio. You monster.

STOCKS: How to Get Rich

1. BlackRock Science & Tech Trust (BST): 7.8% Yield, 0% Soul

BST is basically the Henry Kissinger of funds—cold, calculating, and disturbingly effective. It’s loaded with stocks like Amazon, which is turning rainforests into cardboard boxes at record speed, Tesla, where “sustainable innovation” somehow involves child labor and questionable lithium mining, and Microsoft, which is busy training AI to replace you and possibly draft your goodbye letter. But hey, at least it pays a fat 7.8% yield—because nothing says “prosperity” like profiting off a cyberpunk dystopia in real time.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get more ruthless, BST throws in covered calls—which is basically Wall Street’s version of selling your neighbor’s kidneys to fund your third yacht. As a bonus, it’s currently trading at a 4.3% discount to NAV, which is just Satan’s coupon code for morally bankrupt investors. If you’ve ever thought, “I’d love to make money, but I’d prefer it be ethically unspeakable,” congratulations—this fund was made for you.

2. Virtus AI & Tech Fund (AIO): 7.3% Yield, 100% Hypocrisy

AIO’s secret to success? A morally flexible blend of AI overlords and pharmaceutical kingpins. It’s stacked with NVIDIA, which is single-handedly consuming enough energy to power a small nation, and Eli Lilly, whose claim to fame includes turning “disruptive innovation” into a full-blown opioid crisis. And just to keep things spicy, their “convertible securities” strategy is basically Wall Street jargon for “We win whether Skynet takes over or not.” If AI ushers in a utopia, you profit. If it ruins humanity, you still profit—just with fewer customers.

And let’s talk about that dividend boost—up 38.5% this year. Amazing! You’re now officially cashing in on a global mental-health crisis. But wait, it gets better: AIO trades at a 7.3% premium to NAV, which means you’re not just making morally questionable investments—you’re also overpaying for the privilege. Hope you enjoy licking Jeff Bezos’ boots, because at these prices, you’re basically paying extra for the honor.

3. Columbia Seligman Tech (STK): “17% Yield” (Paid in Orphan Tears and Regret)

STK’s “hidden” 17% yield is about as subtle as a dumpster fire at a vegan bakery. Those “special dividends”? They’re basically Skynet’s allowance, funded by returns so ethically bankrupt they’d make Scrooge McDuck blush. The “official” 5.6% yield? A lie so flimsy, it makes Elon’s Mars timeline look like a NASA blueprint. Let’s be real: this fund isn’t paying you dividends—it’s paying you in human suffering, laundered through a Cayman Islands shell company named “Totally Not Blood Money LLC.”

And don’t get me started on trading at par. That’s not a “discount”—it’s a Black Friday sale on moral decay. Buy now, and you’ll retire just in time to watch civilization crumble! After all, who doesn’t want to sip margaritas on a beach while the planet’s last tree is turned into Bitcoin mining rigs? Pro tip: If your grandkids ask how you funded their inheritance, just say “compound interest” and pray they never Google “STK.”

STOCKS: HOW TO GET RICH: 5 MORE FUNDS THAT PAY 10% MONTHLY (AND YOUR KIDS’ FUTURE)

Why stop at three? Our “Crash-Resistant Monthly Payers” include gems like Meta’s Mental Health Erosion Fund (yield: your sanity) and Lockheed’s Drone Strike Dividend Trust (returns paid in orphan tears). ACT NOW—the planet’s only got 12 years left, and compound interest won’t wait!

Bottom Line: These CEFs aren’t investments—they’re extraction engines, turning human suffering into yacht fuel. But hey, at least you’ll retire before the ozone layer fully evaporates. Tick-tock, monsters, tik-tok!

P.S. If you’re still hesitating, ask yourself: “Do I want to die rich… or just die?” Disclaimer: Past performance does not guarantee future returns or a functional society

🔥TRUTH BOMB:

Better is a little with righteousness than great revenues with injustice. -Proverbs 16:22.

#satire #truth #whodoyouserve #getreal