White Dad Tormented by Guilt, Hunts “Decolonized” Leaf Blower So Wife’s Sleepover Friend Reggie Can Nap Without Microaggressions

Reggie

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Dave Carlton, trying to blow leaves while remembering his white guilt.

Portland, OR- Dave Carlton, 38, a man who apologizes for breathing, spent three hours Saturday hunting a leaf blower that doesn’t “center whiteness” after Reggie—Brenda’s calm, handsome, Black weekend sleepover guest—remarked that Dave’s old gas model “sounds like a Klan rally with asthma.” Reggie said it at 11:12 a.m. while eating Dave’s last avocado toast in Dave’s Lululemon joggers.

“I felt that in my soul,” Dave whispered, sweating through his “I’m Literally the Problem” T-shirt.

“My biracial kids can’t wake up to the audible legacy of colonialism.”

He paused, stared into the void, and asked no one in particular, “What would Joe Biden do right now?”

Search history:

• “quietest leaf blower founded by Black or Indigenous entrepreneur”

• “Ego blower diversity report”

• “is Ryobi culturally insensitive”

• “WWJBD leaf blower”

He ordered the $1,599 “Equitable Breeze 4000” hand-cranked fair-trade bamboo, moves three leaves per hour, includes land-back certificate. Manual is one page: “Have you considered not having leaves?”

Reggie, sprawled on the sectional in a silk bonnet that isn’t his, murmured “Appreciate you, king” without opening his eyes.

Dave teared up.

“Thank you for holding me accountable, c’mon man.”

His son wandered in. “Is that the racist noise, Dad? Uncle Reggie says it’s why the polar bears are sad.”

Dave smiled through tears. “Daddy’s doing the work, buddy. Go ask Uncle Reggie if he needs anything.”

The old blower now sits in the garage under a Post-it: “Problematic.”Two-day carbon-neutral shipping. 40% pre-tip as reparations.

#HardHatKings #WWJBD #WhiteGuiltRunsOnBamboo #UncleReggieNeedsHisRest

White Dad Tormented by Guilt, Hunts Decolonized Blower