Study Finds 92% of Americans Would Rather Fight a Bear Than Read Instructions for Assembling IKEA Furniture

Study Finds 92%

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Fighting a bear in an Ikea store seems like a compromise.

CHICAGO, IL — A new study published Tuesday by the National Bureau of Overcomplicated Furniture Research revealed that 92% of Americans would prefer engaging in mortal combat with a grizzly bear than attempting to decipher IKEA assembly instructions.

The study surveyed over 3,000 participants, asking them to choose between (A) wrestling a bear in a forested wilderness or (B) constructing a seemingly innocent MALM dresser using only the provided pictogram guide.

“I mean, at least the bear has teeth you can see,” said participant Brian Keller, 34, shivering in his living room as he stared at a pile of unidentifiable wooden boards. “But these IKEA instructions… they might as well be written in ancient hieroglyphics. I’ve already cried twice, and I haven’t even touched the screws.”

Researchers noted that the furniture instructions often contain ambiguous illustrations, multiple languages, and parts labeled A1, B2, C7, and $H4_V2, which participants universally reported as “designed by evil geniuses for the sole purpose of human suffering.”

“Honestly, I think the bear might be easier,” said participant Monica Ramirez, 29. “At least if you fight a bear, the rules are clear: teeth are bad, avoid claws. With IKEA, I don’t know if I’m supposed to attach the shelf sideways, upside down, or perform some secret Scandinavian ritual.”

The study also found that nearly 60% of respondents admitted to napping on top of IKEA furniture mid-assembly out of sheer despair, while 42% threatened to “just keep it in pieces forever” and call it modern art.

IKEA representatives defended their instructions, claiming they are “intuitive” and “universally understood by anyone who has successfully read a visual metaphor about six times in their life.”

A spokesperson added: “Also, fighting bears is not part of our corporate wellness program.”

By press time, over 90% of Americans had reportedly barricaded themselves in rooms with Allen wrenches, quietly whispering to themselves, “I can do this… I cannot do this…” while simultaneously Googling “How to build IKEA furniture without losing my sanity.”

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