Local Dog Joins “No Kings” Rally, Is Kicked Out for Not Being a Human

No kings boot

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Baxter (picture here) days after being Kicked out of No Kings Rally, for not being human.

PORTLAND, OR — A golden retriever named Baxter was escorted out of a “No Kings, No Masters” rally on Saturday after organizers discovered he was, in fact, a dog.

Witnesses say Baxter arrived wearing a bandana reading “DOWN WITH MONARCHY” and appeared “deeply committed” to the cause.

“He was barking at every photo of King Charles and peed on a cardboard crown,” said attendee Riley Tompkins. “Honestly, he was one of our most passionate members — right up until security realized he didn’t have opposable thumbs.”

Organizers defended the decision to remove Baxter, citing safety and legal concerns. “We appreciate his enthusiasm,” said event coordinator Sasha Vega, “but this is a human-led movement. We can’t have four-legged participants disrupting chants or eating protest snacks.”

Other reasons cited for Baxter’s expulsion included:

“Excessive tail-wagging” — reportedly distracting protestors mid-chant. “It’s hard to chant ‘No Kings!’ when Baxter’s tail is slapping you in the face,” complained rally volunteer Maxine Lopez.

“Unauthorized snack raids” — Baxter allegedly stole cookies from the concession table. “He’s basically a one-dog Snack Army,” said volunteer Theo Ramirez.

“Unclear voting rights” — organizers said Baxter tried to vote on the movement’s next banner slogan. “We can’t legally count votes from non-humans,” said coordinator Vega, “even if he’s very persuasive with puppy eyes.”

“Excessive barking at random moments” — “He started howling during the silence for solidarity, and honestly, it sounded like a political manifesto in C major,” said singer and activist Lila Tran.

“Excessive enthusiasm for protest signs” — Baxter reportedly attempted to chew one sign reading “Down With Thrones”. “We can’t have our messaging literally eaten by our supporters,” Vega sighed.

Despite the setback, Baxter reportedly continued protesting from the sidelines, wagging his tail “in solidarity” every time someone shouted “Abolish the throne!”

Neighbors later confirmed Baxter has a long history of anti-authoritarian behavior, including refusing to “sit” when told and destroying a decorative pillow embroidered with the phrase ‘Long Live the Queen.’

“He’s always been against hierarchy,” said owner Jen Morrison. “Frankly, I’m proud of him. He may not understand the nuances of class struggle, but he understands injustice — especially if it smells like bacon.”

According to Morrison, Baxter had been planning to launch his own political faction for weeks. “He’s been holding secret meetings in the backyard with the neighborhood squirrels. I don’t know what they talk about exactly, but there are acorns involved, and it looks serious.”

Several rally-goers expressed mixed feelings about Baxter’s removal. “Honestly, he had more commitment than half the humans here,” said participant Luis Fernandez. “I saw him standing in the rain for three hours without whining once. And he’s a dog. That’s dedication.”

Animal behaviorists weighed in on the incident, suggesting Baxter may have misunderstood the human-centric protest model. Dr. Miranda Lopez, a local canine psychologist, noted: “Dogs are incredibly attuned to human social dynamics. Baxter likely sensed the outrage, the chants, and the energy, and assumed he was an equal stakeholder. In his mind, he’s just as entitled to equality as the humans.”

Meanwhile, Baxter’s removal sparked a wave of sympathy protests from other animals. A local cat named Whiskers was spotted sitting on a fence nearby holding a sign reading “Cats Against Classism.” A group of pigeons reportedly formed a flying banner formation over the park spelling out “Birds for Baxter.”

“This is the start of a larger interspecies political movement,” claimed neighborhood kid and self-appointed animal liaison Tommy Jenkins. “If humans won’t let Baxter in, animals are going to start organizing. Next thing you know, we’ll have koalas lobbying city hall for eucalyptus rights.”

As of press time, Baxter was seen organizing a smaller breakaway movement in the park — “No Leashes, No Rules” — and reportedly recruiting a team of squirrels as the first cabinet members. “The squirrels are in charge of logistics,” Morrison explained. “They’re very detail-oriented, though occasionally distracted by shiny objects.”

Security at the rally admitted they were unprepared for Baxter’s level of commitment. “We thought it would just be a friendly dog trotting around,” said Vega. “We didn’t anticipate policy debates in barking, paw-signaling committees, and coordinated snack acquisitions. It was… revolutionary.”

Experts in protest dynamics suggested Baxter’s approach might be more effective than many human activists. “Dogs have a natural ability to build loyalty and morale,” said social movement analyst Dr. Henry Cummings. “They’re loyal, enthusiastic, and frankly, cuter than most humans — which attracts media attention. Baxter may have been a marketing genius without even knowing it.”

By late afternoon, Baxter had returned home, tired but satisfied, and reportedly held a press conference via a series of barks and tail wags, interpreted by Morrison as: “We will not be silenced. We demand equality for all species!”

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Local Dog Joins “No Kings” Rally. #nokings #rally #portland #rage