Tariffs Restore Black Friday’s Original Purpose: Mortal Combat Over Scarce Goods

Black Friday 25

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Family that riots together, stays together and secures the best deals on Black Friday.

BENTONVILLE, AR — The National Retail Federation believes 2025 will be the “most gloriously violent Black Friday in history,” crediting new Chinese tariffs for creating actual scarcity instead of the usual fake-door-buster theater.

“For decades we’ve had to pretend to fight over garbage nobody wanted,” said NRF violence analyst Ken Browning. “Thanks to 60% tariffs, there are now only 400 PS5 Pros in the entire continental United States. That’s not a sale. That’s a blood sport with price tags.”

Behavioral economists confirm the math checks out: when a 65-inch TV jumps from $379 to $1,499, the cost-benefit analysis on punching a grandmother in the throat flips from “maybe” to “strong buy.”

Walmart has quietly reclassified its gardening section as “The Thunderdome,” installed trauma shears next to the price-check scanners, and replaced Black Friday greeters with off-duty Marines holding cattle prods and waiver forms.

Twelve-year-old Riley Carter, already on her third energy drink and wearing a mouthguard, told reporters, “Mommy wants the Dyson Airwrap. I have been training for this since the tariff announcement in March. Blood is temporary. Hair is forever.”

Retail workers are now issued body cams and paid "Hostile Environment Pay" normally reserved for corporate lawyers visiting a factory overseas.

At press time, the White House praised the surge in “patriotic consumer combat,” noting that every elbow thrown in aisle 7 is “one less television manufactured by our geopolitical adversaries.”

The National Guard has been authorized to intervene only if someone attempts to leave with the display model and ICE will be on secret patrol because, well, they want too...

#BlackFriday #TariffsMadeThisCountryGreatAgain #OneAirFryerOneKill #CapitalismHeals

Tariffs Restore Black Friday’s Original Purpose.