Thanksgiving Canceled After Dad Discovers Native Americans Also Had Dysfunctional Families

Thanksgiving

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Simons family cancels Thanksgiving, photo is from 2023.

PLYMOUTH, Mass. — The annual American tradition of Thanksgiving was abruptly called off Thursday morning after area father and dedicated political activist Greg Simmons, 46, stumbled upon a parchment scroll revealing that pre-colonial Native American families also argued over who had to host, whose turn it was to bring the maize, and whether Uncle Tawa’s new wampum startup was actually a pyramid scheme.

“I feel so seen, and I hate it,” a visibly shaken Simmons told reporters from his now-canceled dining room table, while angrily un-plucking a heritage-breed turkey. “My entire worldview was built on a foundation of righteous indignation and a carefully curated sense of historical guilt.

Now I find out the Wampanoag also had a problematic uncle who wouldn't stop talking about his 'medicine'? What's the point of performative atonement if the people we're atoning to were just as messy as we are?”

Historians swiftly confirmed the findings, noting tribal records of one 17th-century Wampanoag elder who was famously exiled for refusing to pass the succotash. Further evidence points to a disgruntled young brave who sent up a series of elaborate smoke signals during the 1621 harvest feast that, when translated, read: "FORCED TO SIT NEXT TO COLONIZER STEVE. PRAY FOR ME. SEND MORE BERRY."

When reached for comment on Simmons' crisis, John "Running Bear" Phillips, a member of the local tribal council, offered a blunt assessment. "Greg sounds like an idiot," Phillips stated. "We all do Thanksgiving. My grandkids love the stuffing. Also, for the record, about half our tribe is MAGA, so we won't be sending any more berries, Greg. We're saving them for our own green bean casserole."

By the mid-morning drum circle, a wave of cancellations swept the continent. Simmons’s newsletter, "The Guilty Conscience," alerted his subscribers, leading millions of households to replace their turkeys with foraged nuts and berries. Planned gratitude circles were swapped for frantic messages sent via eagle: "URGENT: PARADIGM SHIFT. EVERYONE'S FAMILY IS A MESS. FEAST CANCELED. 2025 IS CANCELED TOO, PROBABLY. SOLIDARITY."

The National Football League, in a desperate attempt to salvage the holiday, proposed a special contest titled “Historically Accurate Pilgrims vs. Historically Accurate Native Americans: Who’s More Traumatized Bowl.” The event was a historic flop when both teams took a knee during the fife-and-drum national anthem, formed a joint therapy circle at the 50-yard line, and refused to play, citing "the need to center shared narrative spaces over competitive colonial frameworks."

At press time, Simmons was seen sitting in a dark cabin, stress-eating hardtack while muttering, “Next year we’re just doing lasagna and collectively pretending Italy was uninhabited. It’s the only ethically straightforward option.”

The local scribe has issued a formal apology for "prematurely publishing factual information and, in doing so, irrevocably ruining the national vibe."

For everyone else, Have a happy and wonderful Thanksgiving.

#ThanksgivingCanceled #DysfunctionFindsAWay #NoEthicalConsumptionUnderAnyMonarchy #SendMoreBerry

Thanksgiving Canceled After Dad Discovers Native Americans Also Had Dysfunctional