Woman’s 47-Minute Text Draft Declared “Domestic Terrorism” by Joint Chiefs

Joint

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Lauren Whitmore, spending too much time typing and deleted Texts, cause government flag.

CHICAGO — At approximately 12:14 p.m. CST, 29-year-old Lauren Whitmore, a senior content strategist and known overthinker, initiated what the Pentagon has classified as “the longest single combat engagement with the English language in recorded history” after receiving the message “hey you free later? ” from Connor, a 31-year-old man whose entire emotional profile is a single shrug emoji.

Declassified timeline of the incident:

12:17 p.m. Draft opens with “Hey!! I’ve actually been meaning to—” (immediately deleted for sounding like a hostage video)

12:21 p.m. Draft #6 contains the phrase “my therapist says I intellectualize attraction but I feel like with you it’s different” (self-induced vomiting ensues)

12:27 p.m. Draft #11 is a single voice note that autocorrects to “I want to sit on your face and discuss attachment theory” (phone thrown into purse, purse kicked, phone retrieved to ensure it's dead)

12:34 p.m. Lauren opens Notes app titled “Things I Am Allowed to Say to Men” — document is completely blank

12:39 p.m. Brief consideration of replying in ancient Greek to establish dominance

12:42 p.m. Types “k” then screams so loudly that three coworkers assume active shooter and hide under desks

12:43 p.m. Sends “k”

12:57 p.m. Connor replies “k cool”

Woman’s Text Draft Declared “Domestic Terrorism” Continued...

The Joint Chiefs of Staff held an emergency briefing. General Mark Milley was quoted as saying, “We’ve seen shorter war plans. The level of strategic overthinking deployed here could have destabilized a small nation. We are downgrading the national threat level from ‘k’ to ‘you up?’ effective immediately.”

Deleted drafts, recovered by FBI forensics, include:

A 900-word treatise on emotional availability

A Spotify playlist titled “If You Even Care”

A single emoji string that, when translated, reads “I am a grown woman who pays taxes and I will die alone”

A photo of a sunset with the caption "This made me think of the concept of fleeting beauty, which is something I'd like to explore with you, if you're free, no pressure though."

Lauren has since entered witness protection, changed her name to “K,” and is reportedly training carrier pigeons in case Connor ever asks “you up?” again.

Her sweet potato exploded in the microwave at 1:03 p.m. There were no survivors.

The White House has issued a statement: “We are monitoring the ‘k’ situation closely and urge all Americans not to attempt advanced texting without proper emotional body armor. Remember: if you find yourself drafting a thesis statement, stop, drop, and roll away from the device.”

Connor, reached for comment while apparently watching a video of a skateboarder falling, replied, "Oh yeah Lauren she's dope. We should hang soon."

He is still typing.