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Sydney Sweeney’s Used Mouthwash Now Leading Global Waste Reduction Strategy, Study Claims
- Mike Honcho
- Aug 21
- 3 min read
In what experts are calling a "bold new frontier in sustainability theater," a new study from Charles Darwin University has found that construction projects can achieve zero waste—as long as they immediately hide it, rebrand it, or marinate it in the discarded essence of Sydney Sweeney’s used mouthwash.
“This is the green future liberals warned us about,” said Dr. Les Mortar, lead researcher and semi-retired wheelbarrow therapist. “We realized if you throw construction waste into a designer bottle, slap a celeb’s name on it, and say things like ‘pH-balanced for your aura,’ you can sell literal drywall dust to wellness influencers for $89.99 a vial.”
Introducing: "Sydney Sweeney’s USED MouthWash™"
Dubbed “liquid salvation for your chakras” by Goop's legal department, the construction industry’s most shameful byproduct—wastewater from wet saws—has found new life as Sydney Sweeney’s Used Mouth Wash™: a eucalyptus-scented, greywater-based mouth wash/facial toner rumored to be “emotionally charged with leftover tension from tile installation.”
“Every bottle is sustainably sourced from a real jobsite porta-potty,” said RecycLUXE CEO Denim Crate. “It’s authenticity you can taste.”
A single bottle currently sells for $300 on Etsy, comes with a wax seal made from melted caulk, and is delivered in biodegradable packaging made of shredded old project bids.
Kids Love Trash Now: The Rise of “My Pet Trash Monster™”
Meanwhile, children nationwide are screaming for My Pet Trash Monster™, a wildly popular line of plush landfill creatures made from offcuts, broken spirit levels, and sadness.
“We’ve sold over 8 million of these,” said Grit Goblin Construction CEO Chanel Clutch. “The ‘Rebar Baby’ limited edition was banned in three countries. That’s how you know it’s working.”
Each Trash Monster includes:
A surprise tetanus shot coupon
A mini excavator-shaped fidget spinner
A certificate claiming it’s "STEM adjacent"
Bonus: Some models now come pre-infused with a spritz of the Sweeney mouthwash. "It's like if Barbie had anxiety and worked in demolition," said one delighted parent.
Circular Economy: Now Sponsored by People Magazine
While 60% of national waste still comes from construction, CDU’s report shows this number drops to nearly zero when waste is reimagined as celebrity-endorsed lifestyle products or “healing rubble” sold at Erewhon.
Other projects cited in the study include:
A meditation app that plays ambient noise from jackhammers
An NFT series of scaffolding silhouettes named "CryptoSteel", now backed by Jake Gyllenhaal
Concrete dust blended into kale smoothies marketed as “Dust Cleanse by Jason Momoa”
Rural Construction Still Running on Lies and Vibes
Despite these bold innovations, some rural contractors remain skeptical.
“Mate, recycling’s 400 kilometers away and my ute’s powered by rage,” said Trevor Gluegun, foreman at OutbackBuildz. “We just throw the scrap behind the shed and tell investors we buried it in a time capsule for future generations.”
Attempts to enforce zero-waste policies have included:
Rebranding waste piles as “temporary art installations”
Claiming pallets are part of an interactive museum
Hiring influencers to stand near bins and say “slay” with conviction
Government Responds With Delusional Confidence
The Ministry of Sustainable Imagining has released a new procurement framework requiring all future contractors to:
Include one celebrity-endorsed waste product per build
Generate at least one viral TikTok featuring construction ASMR
Commit to turning all leftover PVC pipe into flutes for economically disadvantaged pan flute choirs
“We are quite literally blowing hot air into cold policy,” said Deputy Minister Veronica Compost while standing inside a fully recycled sauna dome made of former drywall apologies. “And yes, Chris Hemsworth has agreed to sweat here.”
Tech Takes Over: BIM Now Comes with Feelings
With the rise of Emotional BIM™ (Building Information Modeling that cries when you add too much asphalt), builders can now detect future waste and cancel it in advance by muting it in software.
Other tools include:
“InstaBrik,” a social media–powered AI that rates how photogenic your cinder blocks are
“Waste Whisperer,” a chatbot that offers daily affirmations to stressed site managers
A VR experience called “Rebar: Live the Guilt” where users confront every offcut they've ever discarded
Trash Is a Mindset
CDU’s study makes one thing clear: waste doesn’t exist if you simply brand it, bottle it, and assign it a celebrity aura. Whether it’s tile slurry rebranded as “detox tonic” or insulation foam turned into avant-garde marshmallows for Burning Man, construction has found a path to sustainability that runs entirely on delusion and fragrance notes of eucalyptus and OSHA violations.
So the next time you’re about to toss that broken hammer, ask yourself:
What would Sydney Sweeney spit on it for?
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