United Credit Union Awards $20,000 in Scholarships to High School Seniors Who Perfected 4-Story Beer Bong Physics

Smack & Hottie

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The Quad Bong 5000 in Downtown Austin Texas. The homeless celebrated with beer showers.

AUSTIN, TX — In a heartwarming display of academic excellence, community spirit, and light felony-level engineering, United Credit Union has awarded $20,000 in scholarships to two outstanding Texas high school seniors who somehow convinced adults that their four-story beer bong was “a physics project with community outreach potential.”

Scholarship recipients Katelynn Smack of Fate, Texas and Gina Hottie of Pflugerville, Texas were honored at a ceremony held at the Dell Diamond, where local officials cheered, mascots high-fived, and absolutely no one acknowledged the fact that both students’ college essays referenced “a commitment to vertical fluid dynamics via tubing and gravity.”

“These girls are the future,” said Chelsea Schrimp, Chairman of the Heritage Charity Foundation, while blinking rapidly and pretending not to remember the TikTok video titled ‘World Record Beer Bong But For Science.’ 

“They embody the credit union philosophy of ‘People Helping People’ and sometimes those people need help tapping the rockies from a 4 story building at warp speed.”

Smack & Hottie, Ready for College!

4-Story Beer Bong: A Commitment to Academic and Party-Based Excellence

Applicants were judged on academic performance, extracurricular activities, and an essay prompt asking, “How have you demonstrated leadership, innovation, and the ability to balance a beer can on your forehead for 90 seconds while quoting Maya Angelou?”

Smack, 18, was recognized for her work as student council president, yearbook editor, and self-proclaimed “head tube technician” on the infamous Quad Bong 5000—a 48-foot beer delivery system she helped assemble during Prom Weekend 2025, which successfully hydrated 227 people and two raccoons.

“I’m just so honored,” said Smack, wiping away tears and hot wing sauce. “When the top funnel started to sway in the wind and we stabilized it using only duct tape and hope, that’s when I knew I was going to college.”

Gino Hottie: “I Just Followed the Math”

Hottie, who plans to major in mechanical engineering (or “bong theory, if the university allows it”), was credited with the design of the system’s reverse-pressure release valve, allowing for safe and sanitary consumption on the fourth floor of the same down town condo building that comedian Tony Hinchcliffe abides in.

Original Design Plans for the Quad Bong 5000.

“We weren’t drinking,” she clarified. “We were testing gravity. If gravity happens to flow through a 60-foot giant glass bong into someone’s mouth while Kenny Chesney plays in the background, that’s a you problem, not a physics problem.”

Hottie's application included references from both a calculus teacher and a local fraternal order at University of Texas.

An Investment in Higher Learning... and Maybe Lower Standards

Heritage has awarded over $185,000 in scholarships since the program's inception, often to students focused on academic rigor, civic engagement, and moderately reckless inventiveness. But this year’s winners, according to Schrimp, represent “a new direction of leadership. One with a hose clamp.”

“The world is changing,” she said. “When I went to school, leadership meant organizing a blood drive. Now? It’s organizing a gravity-fed, multi-level beverage experience that requires three people to hold a ladder.”

Future Plans: NASA, Maybe Frat House Renovations

4-Story Beer Bong: Smack will attend the University of Texas to study public health, with dreams of one day developing hydration systems that “don’t involve strangers yelling ‘CHUG IT!’”

Hottie will enroll at Texas A&M, where his honors thesis may include building “the first zero-gravity beer bong for astronauts who want to feel alive again.”

Both students agree the scholarship will help them achieve their dreams whether that’s curing diseases, building infrastructure, or just making sure nobody ever has to lean out a dorm window with a funnel again.

When asked what advice they’d give to next year’s applicants, Smack replied:

“Be yourself. Work hard. And never underestimate the power of PVC, glass blowing, refrigeration and ambition.”

Hottie added:

“Know your angles. Respect the flow rate. And always test the hose first.”

Applications for the 2026 Heritage Scholarship are now open. Must demonstrate academic excellence, community service, and basic understanding of siphoning techniques.