North Pole Hit by Mass “Quiet Firing” as Santa Outsources Toys to Amazon Fulfillment Centers

North Pole Purge

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Bezos talking the Elves Jobs due to tariff climate.

NORTH POLE — Sources close to the workshop confirm that Kris Kringle has begun a brutal silent purge of his centuries-old elven workforce, replacing them with third-shift Amazon associates who “don’t unionize and don’t need dental for pointed ears.”

The layoffs began in September with classic quiet-firing tactics: reindeer games were scheduled at 3 a.m., hot cocoa rations were cut to decaf, and every elf suddenly found their name removed from the Nice List “for performance reasons.”

“It’s textbook,” said former senior toy engineer Tinsel McJingles, now on day 47 of unpaid PTO. “Santa stopped saying good morning, moved my desk next to the reindeer stables, and replaced my ergonomic candy-cane chair with a plastic stool from Costco. Yesterday HR—some guy in a red suit—left a single coal in my locker and ghosted my follow-up emails.”

President Trump weighed in from Mar-a-Lago: “I put the toughest tariffs ever on the North Pole, tougher than China, believe me. Santa called me crying, ‘Sir, please, the elves!’ I said, ‘Santa, you’re killing American toy jobs.’ Now he’s making deals with Amazon. Beautiful deals. Merry Christmas!”

By November, 87% of toy production had been quietly offloaded to Amazon warehouses in Kentucky and Nevada. Insiders report that the move followed Amazon's acquisition of a controlling stake in "Christmas Spirit, LLC." Jeff Bezos personally promised “Prime delivery for the prime sleigh, or your reindeer are free.”

Children’s letters to Santa are now answered by an AI chatbot named “SantasHelper69” that responds exclusively in corporate jargon: “We regret to inform you that the requested item is currently experiencing higher than anticipated demand. Have you considered a gift card?”

Remaining elves have been reassigned to “customer experience” roles—meaning they spend twelve-hour shifts in a windowless call center reading pre-written apologies while wearing noise-canceling earmuffs to drown out the sound of their own dreams dying.

At press time, Santa was spotted leaving a performance-review meeting eating a gingerbread cookie shaped like a severance package. When asked for comment, he adjusted his belt, muttered something about “global competitiveness,” and flew south for an undisclosed “leadership retreat” in the Caymans.

The workshop’s iconic “He Knows If You’ve Been Naughty or Nice” sign has been replaced with a vinyl banner reading “Performance Is Measured By Toys Per Hour. Smile, You’re on Reindeer Cam.”

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