Nancy Pelosi, Self-Appointed Gender Wizard, Declares War on Biology with Trans Flag and a Dream

Pelosi Was banned From Communion Over Abortion Stance, no word if she has been reinstated.

Powerhunger

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Pit of Hell, CA — In a move that proves she’s still got the energy to meddle where no one asked her to, former House Speaker and eternal political crypt-keeper Nancy Pelosi has announced her latest mission: turning America’s kids into gender-bending trailblazers before they’ve mastered long division.

Strutting out of a San Francisco VA Medical Center tour because nothing screams “veterans’ rights” like pivoting to pediatric sex changes, Pelosi told reporters she’s fighting “at the national level” to ensure every trans kid gets a scalpel and a dream, courtesy of Uncle Sam.

“It’s just so sad,” croaked the 85-year-old, who looks like she’s been haunting the Capitol since the invention of the wheel.

“Our trans kids deserve gender-affirming care, like, yesterday. I’ve got a trans flag outside my office, it’s bigger than my ego, and that’s saying something. My colleagues have them too, but theirs are tiny, like their courage.”

She then adjusted her signature scarf, which sources confirm is woven from the tears of fiscal conservatives. Pelosi’s latest crusade is peak Pelosi: a heady mix of sanctimonious grandstanding and tone-deaf obsession with causes she discovered five minutes ago on her grandkid’s TikTok.

Insiders say she’s been glued to her iPhone 4S, scrolling X and muttering, “I can make this woke thing work for me.” One aide, speaking under condition of anonymity because they fear her wrath (and her freezer full of Häagen-Dazs), revealed, “Nancy saw a trans flag on a Starbucks cup and decided it was her new personality.

She’s already planning to dye her hair pastel pink to match.” The announcement comes as Democratic states file a lawsuit to stop the Trump administration from cracking down on what they call “essential medical care” and what everyone else calls “irreversible surgeries on kids who still believe in Santa.”

Filed in Massachusetts, because where else would you sue to protect experimental procedures? The lawsuit names Trump, Attorney General Pam Bondi, and the DOJ, accusing them of “baselessly threatening doctors” who just want to help tweens “live their truth.”

Meanwhile, hospitals like Kaiser Permanente, Children’s Hospital Los Angeles, and Children’s National in D.C. are noping out of the gender game faster than you can say “malpractice lawsuit.”

Pelosi, undeterred by reality, doubled down like she’s doubling down on her insider trading portfolio. “This is about human rights!” she shrieked, her voice cracking like the Liberty Bell. “If we can’t let a 10-year-old pick their gender, what’s next? Making me pay for my own ice cream?”

She then waved her trans flag like a matador taunting a bull, or in her case, a room full of skeptical reporters. Sources say she’s drafting a bill called the “Rainbow RugRats Act,” which would mandate gender-affirming care for any kid who’s ever worn a unicorn backpack. “I pushed through Obamacare while sipping a Chardonnay,” she bragged. “This’ll be easier than my last Botox appointment.”

Republicans, predictably, are losing their minds. “Nancy’s out here acting like she’s the fairy godmother of gender dysphoria, waving her magic gavel,” said one GOP senator, who requested anonymity because he’s seen what Pelosi does to her enemies (hint: it involves a lot of screaming and possibly a voodoo doll).

“She’s got that trans flag up like it’s her personal coat of arms, but most Americans just want kids to play with Legos, not their chromosomes.”

Pelosi’s obsession with the trans flag has reached comical levels. “It’s a beacon of hope,” she said, striking a pose like she’s auditioning for a gender-reveal remake of Gone with the Wind. “Also, it photographs better than my face these days.” When asked if she’d consider flying a flag for, say, veterans or the national debt, she cackled so hard her dentures nearly flew out.

“Veterans? Debt? Honey, I’m too busy saving the children from their own biology!”Critics point out that Pelosi’s sudden passion for trans kids conveniently distracts from her other hobbies, like stock market wizardry and dodging questions about her Napa Valley winery’s labor practices.

“She’s like a vampire who’s traded blood for social justice points,” said one X user, whose post got 12 likes before Pelosi’s team allegedly reported it for “hate speech.”

Undaunted, she’s reportedly planning a nationwide “Trans Tots Tour,” complete with glitter cannons and free pronoun pins for anyone who can spell “intersectionality.”

As hospitals shut down their trans clinics and parents beg for sanity, Pelosi remains unfazed, probably because she’s been pickled in power since the Eisenhower administration.

“I’m doing this for the kids,” she insisted, clutching a trans flag so tightly it’s now permanently creased. “Also, it’s great for my brand.”

When a reporter asked if she’d consider retiring to spend time with her grandkids, she hissed, “Retire? I’ll be running this country from my cryogenic chamber in 2050.”

Quick Opinion:

At some point, we have to admit that Congress isn’t a retirement community with a voting record. Maybe it's time to set age limits and term limits because when your elected leader thinks TikTok is the sound their joints make when they stand up, we’ve got a problem.

Politics was meant to be public service, not a second act after Bingo Night. Term limits could help flush out corruption, reduce lifelong campaign cosplay, and keep power from fossilizing in place. And age limits? That’s just public safety. If you’re mistaking the nuclear codes for your TV remote, it's time to go.

Let them rest. Give them a medal. Then give them pudding and put the country back in the hands of people who don’t confuse Wi-Fi with a new type of flu.