"Big Balls" Inside the Glorious, Chaotic Rise of America’s Most Inexplicable Public Servant

Big Balls

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"Big Balls" An artistic A.I. interpretation.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On an otherwise quiet Tuesday morning, millions of Americans logging into the Social Security Administration (SSA) website were stunned to find it playing dubstep, requiring log-in credentials written in Wingdings, and asking retirees to prove their identity by selecting “all the photos that go hard.” The cause? A single, now-infamous sentence buried in a bureaucratic press release: “Edward Coristine has joined the SSA as a Special Government Employee.”

To the few who recognized the name, it triggered a cold sweat. To the rest of America, it posed a burning question that has echoed through every government agency, retirement home, and congressional hearing room since:

"Big Balls" Inside: Who the hell is “Big Balls,” and how did he get hired?

Edward Nathaniel Coristine, 19, better known by his legally recognized nickname “Big Balls,” is a meme come to life — a teenage tech bro turned bureaucratic berserker who now holds a government-issued badge, security access, and a confusing amount of authority over federal retirement infrastructure. His rise through the ranks of Washington power reads less like a resume and more like a Discord roleplay gone horribly off-script.

His aliases include “The Cyber Rizzler,” “Lil’ Bureaucracy,” “The Algorithm Whisperer,” and “GigaChad.gov.” Internal DHS documents refer to him only as “Oops,” which seems both unintentional and accurate. His species has not been medically confirmed, but experts agree he is made primarily of carbon, Bang Energy, and vape residue, with trace elements of unlicensed software and TikTok virality.

Coristine currently holds the vague but legally real position of Special Government Employee within the SSA, although insiders say his true function appears to be more metaphysical — described variously as “Director of Vibes,” “Disruptor-in-Residence,” and “The Zamboni of Digital Chaos.” The White House insists he was brought on for temporary tech modernization efforts. The White House also declined to explain what he actually does.

Big Balls" Inside: Big Balls’ résumé — a term used loosely here — includes a short and fiery stint at the now-defunct Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), a Musk-adjacent experimental think tank inside the Trump administration that mostly focused on eliminating entire federal agencies via Google Docs. Coristine’s title there was “Senior Adviser,” though records suggest he mostly roamed the halls of federal buildings on Heelys shouting the word “optimize” and accidentally connecting random servers to Bluetooth speakers.

He was fired from a cybersecurity internship in 2023 after tweeting out the Wi-Fi password to NORAD during a Twitch stream. Following that, he self-appointed himself as a “consultant” to the Federal Trade Commission after sending an unsolicited Instagram DM to the chairwoman that read, “Let’s deregulate vibes.”

Perhaps his most infamous venture was the creation of Social Swag, a failed fintech startup that aimed to “make pensions poggers again” by turning retirement checks into QR-coded NFTs. The app launched on a Thursday and was pulled from all app stores by Friday morning after a pilot test accidentally sent a $1,200 benefit to a microwave.

As for education, Coristine briefly enrolled in a YouTube crypto course titled “How to Rugpull With Honor” before dropping out during the lesson on ethics. He also attended the University of Phoenix for approximately three hours, until he challenged the dean to a Rocket League 1v1 and was promptly expelled for “threatening institutional integrity through eSports.” He now claims to hold an advanced degree in “government energy” from what he calls “The School of Life, bro.”

Despite this, Coristine carries himself with the unearned confidence of someone who’s been retweeted by Elon Musk and rejected from Shark Tank. His signature quote — which he repeats during interviews, job applications, and federal budget hearings is: “Retirement isn’t a right. It’s a vibe. And it’s time to disrupt that vibe.”

When asked by a Senate subcommittee what skills he brings to the Social Security Administration, Coristine replied, “I can crash any website just by logging in.” He went on to list his other talents: performing CPR on vending machines, writing code exclusively in emojis, and pioneering the security method of “one-factor authentication,” which involves just whispering your favorite SoundCloud rapper’s name into the keyboard. He once coined the phrase, “UI/UX? More like YOLO,” which was later accidentally printed on 40,000 Medicare brochures.

His impact on SSA systems has been immediate, confusing, and irreversible. Under his direction, the agency’s online portal was redesigned to feature all navigation menus labeled with Fortnite dance names. The Help Desk was replaced by a chatbot that only responds in Joe Rogan quotes. The password recovery process now includes obscure anime trivia and ranking your top three motivational podcasters. Senior citizens attempting to access their benefits must now complete a CAPTCHA that asks them to “select all images that go hard.”

According to insiders, Coristine insists this is part of a “necessary UX evolution,” which he defines as “putting the ‘swag’ back into Social Security.” When asked what that means, he simply said, “Boomers gotta earn it now.”

His fashion sense doesn’t clarify things. Coristine frequently shows up to Senate hearings wearing a Patagonia vest unironically, three cracked iPhones clipped to his belt, and a pair of AirPods Pro that remain in his ears at all times, even when testifying under oath. His diet reportedly consists entirely of Bang Energy, Skittles, and whatever is in the White House vending machine’s bottom row. At least two witnesses claim to have seen him attempt to recharge his vape pen using a secure Department of Energy port.

"Big Balls" doin' is thang.

Despite holding no official clearance, Coristine has somehow gained access to IRS databases, FAA flight logs, and Kamala Harris’s Peloton playlist. He once entered the Pentagon while pretending to deliver Shake Shack.

His tenure has not been without scandal. Earlier this year, Coristine accidentally deleted two years’ worth of SSA retirement records while attempting to install Minecraft mods on the main server. He issued an apology video on TikTok in which he said, “My bad. That was not bussin’.” He also referred to retirees as “legacy influencers” in an internal Slack message that was later leaked and turned into a limited-edition hoodie.

In a closed-door meeting with Treasury officials, he pitched the idea of converting all Social Security benefits into NFTs — which he dubbed Non-Fundable Transfers — before being escorted out for drawing Ethereum logos on a whiteboard with scented markers.

International relations were briefly tested when Coristine attempted to annex a local Post Office “for the metaverse,” prompting a minor diplomatic warning from Canada.

Even so, his mentorship style has earned him a cult following inside the General Services Administration known as The Ballievers. He is known for dispensing Zen-like career advice to confused interns, such as, “You’re not failing — you’re just pre-viral,” and, “Never let your GPA block your API.” No one knows what these mean, but HR has begun printing them on motivational posters.

Asked what he regrets most in life, Coristine responded, “Not being alive during the first Great Depression. That would’ve been so sick to gamify.” He followed up by pitching an app called Recession Simulator 1929™, which he insists is “like Animal Crossing but with bread lines.”

Coristine’s long-term goals include replacing all government checks with Dogecoin, introducing tiered retirement benefits labeled “Bronze,” “Silver,” “Chad,” “Sigma,” and “Ballin’,” and launching SSA After Dark, a late-night Twitch stream where shirtless interns answer Medicare questions while doing deadlifts.

He has announced his intent to run for Governor of Florida in 2027 under the campaign slogan: “Old Money Meets New Balls.”

Possibly the most disturbing fact of all? Coristine is the only known federal employee with a trademarked personal scent — a baffling cocktail of Axe Apollo, Monster Ultra Sunrise, and pure, weaponized ambition.

At press time, “Big Balls” was spotted shirtless in the SSA server room, plugging in a ring light and whispering, “Let’s make grandma go viral.”

Filed under: [Youth in Revolt] [Is This Legal?] [God Help Us All]