I Killed Two People for Dot’s New Buffalo Pretzels and I Regret Nothing

By Laura Sinclair (Currently Incarcerated in Texas)

Dots

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"I killed 2 people to get these. Worth it!" Laura Sinclair, 23.

Summer brings out the best in people. Sunshine. Laughter. Barbecue. And the inevitable descent into snack-fueled madness. Every year, like clockwork, a new snack drops and society collapses just a little bit more. This time? Dot’s Pretzels launched a new flavor and I committed two felonies before breakfast just to get my hands on it.

Dot’s Pretzels: Worth Dying (or Killing) For

Listen, if you’ve never had Dot’s Pretzels, you probably still have a soul. But for the rest of us, we’ve been walking the thin, buttery line between addiction and full-blown snack psychosis since the first Sam’s Club bag hit the shelves. These aren’t your average pretzels they’re twisted sticks of seasoned euphoria, laced with enough flavor to make you abandon your morals, your job, and possibly your children.

Most people are familiar with the Original flavor tangy, buttery, herby, with just enough salt to make your kidneys blink. But real Dot’s heads know the flavors run deeper. Parmesan Garlic? That was the flavor that caused a minor fistfight at my cousin’s wedding. And the BBQ pretzels? They’ve seen more backyard brawls than a UFC pay-per-view.

A Riot broke out over Dots New Flavor. - Sally Smith, 9 years old.

New Flavor Alert: Buffalo Pretzel Twists—And a Body Count

This July, Dot’s introduced its first spicy flavor: Buffalo Seasoned Pretzel Twists. Spicy. Buttery. Zingy. Tangy. Dangerous. Think Buffalo wing flavor with the snackability of something you can eat by the fistful while screaming into a void. These things are absolutely unhinged in the best way possible.

Available in 5-ounce and 16-ounce bags, these flaming little devils will be haunting shelves nationwide. From tailgating season to the Super Bowl to your future parole hearing, they’re here to stay.

I Killed Two People for Dot’s New Buffalo Pretzels

I tried them at the 2025 Sweets & Snacks Expo. I was escorted out for “aggressive behavior” when someone reached for the last sample. But not before I tasted the fire. My entire family was instantly hooked. Arguments broke out. Blood was drawn. Nana bit someone. We never looked back.

A Pretzel So Good, You’ll Black Out and Wake Up in a Holding Cell

Dot’s Buffalo Pretzels bring heat—but not the kind that overwhelms. It’s a buttery, savory warmth that builds and lingers like an unhealthy relationship. They’re spicy, yes. But they’re also balanced. So balanced, in fact, that I didn’t even notice I’d eaten an entire bag until I saw my reflection in a shattered rearview mirror.

By Monday, I’d taken out two competitors at a local grocery store. I don’t even remember doing it. The security footage was grainy. My fingerprints were everywhere. The local paper called it “The Dot’s Incident.” I called it worth it.

Thanks, Dot’s. You Ruined My Life and I’ll Love You Forever

I Killed Two People for Dot’s New Buffalo Pretzels: I now have a lifetime ban from three retailers and one particularly judgmental gas station. I’m awaiting sentencing. Nana was also arrested after officers discovered her stockpile of Buffalo Dot’s and an unrelated fentanyl operation in the basement. She's facing hard time. She said it was all worth it “for the crunch.”

So yes, I’m a criminal. But I’m also a fan. And when these Buffalo beauties hit shelves nationwide this July, remember: it’s survival of the saltiest. You think you want just one bag? You’re wrong. You want all of them. And you’ll do whatever it takes, trading my freedom was worth the taste explosion...