OSHA Inspector Quits After Realizing Job is Just Yelling at Dads

Yelling At Dads

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Yelling at Dad's is the name of the game.

TOLEDO, OH — After a grueling 14-month tenure marked by elevated blood pressure and repeated exposure to socks with sandals, local OSHA inspector Brent Halvorsen officially resigned yesterday, citing a growing realization that his federal role had devolved into “just yelling at various dads who think ladders are optional.”

Halvorsen, 38, who once dreamed of enforcing workplace safety standards in high-risk industrial zones, found his day-to-day responsibilities increasingly focused on confronting men named “Rick” and “Larry” as they balanced on paint buckets to reach gutters, power-sawed two-by-fours in flip-flops, or leaned entire aluminum ladders against unlocked pickup beds.

“I thought I’d be ensuring compliance in heavy manufacturing,” Halvorsen explained from his modest ranch home, where he now plans to garden and forget. “Instead, I spent most of my time telling middle-aged men that duct tape is not a fall protection system and that cargo shorts are not flame retardant.”

OSHA Inspector Quits: Sources close to the agency say Halvorsen's final straw came during a routine visit to a suburban construction site, where he witnessed a foreman directing employees to lift a pallet using “good vibes and the grace of God,” rather than a forklift. “It’s a miracle nobody’s exploded,” he muttered, visibly shaken. According to Halvorsen, he attempted to introduce laminated OSHA posters and safety checklists to several job sites, only to be met with shrugs, audible eye-rolls, and one man yelling, “I was building decks before you were born, sweetheart.” One anonymous crew leader confirmed Halvorsen's account. “Yeah, Brent kept trying to tell us not to use power tools on the roof during a lightning storm. I mean, okay technically, but also have you ever met a deadline?” When asked for comment, an OSHA regional spokesperson said: “We thank Mr. Halvorsen for his service and recognize the profound emotional toll of trying to enforce basic safety among men who call you ‘boss’ sarcastically and refuse to wear gloves because it ‘dulls the senses.’”

Halvorsen is currently writing a memoir tentatively titled Hard Hats and Harder Heads: A Cautionary Tale in Hi-Vis, in which he documents the psychological challenges of convincing grown men not to store oily rags next to space heaters “because that’s just how their dad did it.” He ends our interview on a somber note.

“At some point, you realize these men aren’t going to read the manual. They are the manual.” OSHA has since opened the position to new applicants, with a revised job description that now includes “experience in conflict resolution, wilderness survival, and dad psychology.”