Alabama Prison Replaces Guards With Weaponized Southern Geese

Geese This

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These southern Geese have been known to be very racist and classist. True A-holes.

Cullman, AL — After reading about a Brazilian prison successfully using geese as guards (because geese are fueled by pure hatred), an Alabama correctional facility decided to take the idea too far by introducing a genetically aggressive subspecies known only as Southern Redneck Geese—widely regarded as the biggest a-holes in the animal kingdom.

Fifteen years ago, prison officials retired their guard dogs after realizing dogs require training, affection, and a reason not to bite the mailman. Southern geese, on the other hand, require nothing except territory and the opportunity to ruin someone’s day.

“Regular geese are mean,” said Warden Bubba H. Lawson. “Southern geese? They’re personal.”

Unlike dogs, these geese don’t need training. They hatch already angry, suspicious, and convinced everyone is trespassing. They cannot be bribed. Bread only makes them stronger. And while dogs sleep, Southern geese remain awake at all hours, patrolling the fence line like feathered HOA presidents.

The geese are stationed around the outer perimeter of the prison, where they aggressively defend their turf. If anyone—escapee, guard, or innocent soul—steps within 30 feet, the geese immediately go feral. Wings flapping. Necks extended. Eyes locked. Honking at a volume usually reserved for air raid sirens.

Correctional officers say the sound of one goose honking alerts the entire flock within seconds. Within moments, dozens of geese descend on the intruder like a NASCAR pit crew fueled by rage and unpaid child support.

“It’s not just noise,” one officer explained. “They chase. They bite. They hold grudges.”

Officials cited several advantages over traditional security systems:

Dogs can be trained. Geese refuse.

Dogs can be bribed. Geese take the bribe and still attack.

Dogs might hesitate. Southern geese choose violence immediately.

Prison Replaces Guards With...

The geese have also adopted distinct redneck behaviors. They roam in packs. They block paths for no reason. They honk at nothing. And if you make eye contact, that’s legally considered a challenge.

Inmates quickly learned that escaping over the fence does not lead to freedom—it leads to being chased across a field by a screaming wall of feathers that absolutely wants problems.

The program has been so effective that the prison reports zero escape attempts in over a decade. One inmate reportedly made it three steps past the fence before being cornered, hissed at, and psychologically broken.

International interest has surged. China previously used 500 geese to patrol 300 miles of border, but officials now admit they were “rookie geese” and are considering importing Alabama stock, pending international agreements and anger management waivers.

At press time, the Southern geese were still on patrol, still furious, and still honking at a fence that hasn’t moved in years—because something might try something, and they’re ready.

Prison Replaces Guards With... Geese