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Men carrying water jugs everywhere is trending deemed "cult of Hydration"
- Mike Honcho
- Sep 19
- 3 min read
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — First it was CrossFit. Then it was crypto. Now, men across North America have found their newest personality replacement: joining the Hydration Cult, a growing movement centered around carrying water jugs so massive they could legally be classified as small livestock.
The cult’s creed is simple: Thou shalt drink one gallon of water per day, post about it online, and pretend this is harder than mining coal.
Hydration: The Jug Epidemic
What started with suburban moms toting oversized pastel thermoses to Pilates has metastasized into a full-blown epidemic. Now, construction workers, accountants, and even middle managers are walking into offices with water jugs so big they need to scan them as a “carry-on” at the airport.
“You’re not a man anymore if you don’t carry one,” said Derek Caldwell, 31, hoisting a 64-ounce jug in desert rose pink. “People look at me differently when I walk into Chipotle with this. Like, wow, this guy values hydration more than his family.”
The Excuses
Cultists are quick to defend their oversized hydration buckets. Common justifications include:
“It helps me stay disciplined.”
“Water is life.”
“It’s about mental toughness.”
“I don’t trust tap water. I trust Target.”
One member, Trevor Hall, 27, insisted: “If I don’t hit a gallon a day, I can’t think straight.” He then forgot his car keys, his wallet, and his fiancée at the gym.
The Grandpa Test
Older generations remain unimpressed. “My grandson spent $70 on a water jug,” said 82-year-old veteran Paul Anders. “When I was his age, I drank creek water filled with tadpoles and mercury, then stormed a hill in Korea. And guess what? I survived. Meanwhile, he sprains his wrist refilling a thermos at Whole Foods.”
Anders then took a sip from his cigarette-stained coffee mug, which has doubled as his hydration vessel since 1962.
The Practical Disasters
Critics note that Hydration Cult jugs are notoriously impractical:
They don’t fit in cupholders.
They don’t fit in backpacks.
They don’t fit in the lives of men with dignity.
In one documented case, a Minnesota man lost his job after missing three shifts; he was trapped at a Starbucks bathroom sink trying to refill his jug. “It takes like nine minutes to fill one,” said his ex-manager. “That’s a full lunch break just to keep your pee crystal clear.”
At gyms, members leave their jugs sprawled across entire benches. “It’s like a seat reservation system,” said one witness. “I couldn’t even do incline press because Derek’s hydration commitment needed its own zip code.”
The Social Statement
Sociologists argue that the cult of Hydration is not about water, it’s about passive aggressively signaling superiority.
“Carrying a giant jug says, ‘Look at me, I have discipline,’” explained cultural analyst Dr. Karen Mullins. “It’s basically the Prius of liquids.” Others note that jug-owners rarely talk about hobbies, careers, or family anymore. Conversations begin and end with daily ounce counts. One cultist, mid-funeral, whispered: “I’ve only got 16 ounces left for the day.” His grandmother had just been lowered into the ground.
“Do I need a pep talk from a water bottle?” asked Anders, the unimpressed grandfather. “The only motivation I needed was not dying of thirst while baling hay in 110 degrees.”
Medical professionals are beginning to sound the alarm. “Hydration is good, but these men are drinking so much water they’re basically diluting their DNA,” said Dr. Henry Walters of the Mayo Clinic. “One guy came in with electrolytes so low he started speaking fluent dolphin.”
Critics fear what future generations will inherit. “In 50 years, estate sales won’t have watches, tools, or war medals,” said Mullins. “They’ll have racks of discontinued pastel jugs. Grandkids will whisper, ‘Grandpa was… hydrated.’”
Not everyone thinks hydration needs to be this complicated. “If you’re thirsty, drink water,” Anders said. “If you want to carry something big, carry lumber. Otherwise, stop cosplaying as a camel.” Other alternatives have been suggested: beer helmets filled with Gatorade, garden hoses in the truck bed, or simply—radical idea here—drinking out of a glass.
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