Walmart Tells Trump: “We Can’t Just Slap Stickers Over the Tariffs, Sir.”

Walmart

0:00

Who doesn't love expired yogurt?

Battle of the Big Box: Trump Wants Walmart to ‘Eat the Tariffs’ — Walmart Says, ‘Sir, We Are Already Eating Expired Yogurt to Stay Afloat’

In the most chaotic pricing standoff since someone tried to return a rotisserie chicken without a receipt, Walmart and Donald J. Trump are going head-to-head — and folks, it’s spicier than the $1.98 microwavable burrito section.

After Walmart warned it might have to raise prices due to tariffs imposed by the Trump administration, the former president logged onto Truth Social (aka “Twitter for people who think Cracker Barrel is liberal”) and told America’s favorite rollback palace to, quote, “eat the tariffs.”

Yes. Eat them. Like they’re leftover Salisbury steak in the employee breakroom.

The Great Grocery Gambit

Walmart announced it’s facing cost pressure from new Trump tariffs, especially on imported items like bananas, avocados, roses, and coffee — which, coincidentally, make up the average Instagram brunch.

Trump, however, wasn’t having it.

“I’ll be watching, and so will your customers!!!”— Donald Trump, former president, current tariff nutritionist

Sources say this message was sent from a gold-plated recliner while watching Fox & Friends and applying self-tanner with a roller brush.

Walmart Responds Like a Manager at 2AM on Black Friday

In a statement that somehow managed to sound both diplomatic and exhausted, Walmart replied:

“We’ve always worked to keep our prices as low as possible and we won’t stop.”— Joe Pennington, Walmart spokesperson and part-time crisis therapist

Translation: We’re doing our best not to charge $11 for ramen noodles, but our hands are tied by global economic warfare and the rising cost of fluorescent lighting.

Despite posting strong first-quarter sales — thanks mostly to America’s undying love for bargain bins and bulk toilet paper — Walmart hinted prices might rise soon. Electronics, toys, and food are on the hit list, meaning your kid’s birthday and your late-night Hot Pocket cravings are both about to cost more.

Who Pays for Tariffs? Everyone Except the Guy Saying You Don’t

Trump has long insisted that “China is paying for the tariffs,” which economists say is only true if China’s national strategy includes Venmoing Walmart directly. Spoiler: it doesn’t.

Retailers, not foreign governments, pay the tariffs. Retailers then do what any good capitalist does: they pass that cost down the chain like a hot potato made of pain and avocado inflation.

John David Rainey, Walmart’s CFO (Chief Fiscal Overthinker), said the tariffs are “pretty challenging” — which is corporate-speak for “we’re screaming into our spreadsheets daily.”

“Consumers are going to feel some of that.”— Rainey, while nervously eyeing guacamole prices

Tropical Fruit Now a Luxury Item

In the May 15 earnings call, Walmart execs warned that tariffs from countries like Costa Rica, Peru, and Colombia are making bananas, coffee, and flowers more expensive. Translation: That sweet little Mother's Day bundle you picked up last minute? Yeah, next year it’s gonna cost you a kidney.

And don’t even ask about avocados. You’re better off planting a tree and praying.

Meanwhile, in Trade War Fantasyland…

Tariffs have been slapped around like it’s a WWE match sponsored by the Department of Commerce. At one point, Trump raised tariffs on Chinese imports to 145%, which is frankly the kind of number you'd expect from a toddler playing Monopoly.

But as of May 12, both countries agreed to a 90-day ceasefire in the trade war to work out a long-term agreement, possibly over a high-stakes game of rock-paper-scissors.

In the meantime, Trump has paused additional tariffs and is working toward a “reciprocal rate” deal, which experts agree is a term he heard once in a Cracker Jack box.

Final Thoughts from the Tool Shed

Look, we’re not saying tariffs are bad or good—we’re just saying that if Walmart can’t keep a 36-pack of Cheez Balls under $5, the country might riot.

Also, telling a multi-billion-dollar retailer to “eat the tariffs” is like telling a bulldozer to “walk it off.” Not how physics works, Don.

In the end, Americans will pay more for food, fun, and fiberoptic TVs that come pre-loaded with streaming services no one asked for. So strap on your hardhat, grab your off-brand Pop-Tarts, and get ready for the Summer of Sudden Price Tags.

Because if there’s one thing we know, it’s this: When elephants fight, the bananas get bruised.

Stay with HardHatKings.com for the only construction news site brave enough to ask the tough questions like:

• “Can you pave over international economic policy?”

• “Is it still patriotic to buy pineapples?”

• “And where exactly do I apply to be Walmart’s avocado inflation analyst?”