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Trump Declares 10% Trade War Against Penguins in Antarctica—Penguins Respond
- An Industry Insider
- Apr 3
- 3 min read
In a move that has left economists, marine biologists, and at least one confused polar bear utterly baffled, former President Donald J. Trump has declared a 10% trade war against the penguins of Antarctica, citing "the worst trade deal in history—maybe ever."
At a fiery Mar-a-Lago press conference held between a gold-plated ketchup fountain and an ice sculpture of his face (which later melted into a puddle vaguely resembling Steve Bannon), Trump raged against the flightless birds for decades—maybe centuries—of unfair trade.
"Nobody’s tougher on penguins than me. NOBODY."
Clutching a folder labeled TOP SECRET PENGUIN STUFF (VERY ILLEGAL!), filled with crayon-drawn graphs, Trump accused the tuxedoed diplomats of "stealing our fish, hoarding the good icebergs, and frankly, being very rude in international waters."
When pressed on how, exactly, one imposes tariffs on a species that operates on a barter system of fish and awkward silence, Trump smirked. "Simple. Every time a penguin tries to sell us something—fish, iceberg leases, that movie Happy Feet—BAM! Ten percent tariff. Beautiful."
He then unveiled his "America First Iceberg Replacement Program," vowing to replace all imported Antarctic ice with "bigger, better, American ice" mined from the parking lot of a Buffalo Wild Wings.
Trump Declares Trade War Against Penguins : The Penguins Strike Back—With Diplomacy (and Mild Sarcasm)
The Antarctic Penguin Federation (APF), a notoriously chill organization, responded with unprecedented aggression—or at least, as aggressive as a creature that falls over when it sneezes can be.
In a press conference held atop a melting ice floe, Emperor Penguin Lord Flappington III (wearing a tiny bowtie for gravitas) delivered a scathing rebuttal:
"The APF categorically denies these false and frankly hurtful allegations. We have been exemplary global citizens, providing the world with high-quality memes, heartwarming documentaries, and zero geopolitical drama—until today."
In retaliation, the APF announced immediate sanctions:
A ban on all Trump-branded products in Antarctica (effectively canceling plans for Trump Tower: South Pole).
A 100% tariff on Mar-a-Lago shrimp cocktails, which penguins called "overpriced and morally questionable."
A formal alliance with Canada geese, nature’s most vicious negotiators.
Global Reactions: Confusion, Concern, and One Very Nervous Elf
Scientists were baffled. "Penguins don’t even have wallets," said Dr. Lisa McGill. "Their entire economy runs on ‘you give me pebble, I maybe give you fish later.’ This is like declaring war on a vending machine."
Wall Street panicked, with the Fish Futures Index plummeting amid fears of a "Great Antarctic Fish Embargo."
Santa Claus, reached via sleigh-phone, sighed. "I’ve stayed out of politics, but this? This is just sad. Also, penguins don’t even live at the North Pole. Does he know that? Someone tell him."
De-Escalation Efforts (Mostly Just Canada Apologizing)
World leaders scrambled to mediate:
Joe Biden muttered, "Come on, man…" before trailing off into a nap.
Justin Trudeau offered to host peace talks in "a nice, neutral Tim Hortons."
Vladimir Putin expressed support for the penguins, calling them "strong, disciplined leaders—unlike some people."
The Aftermath: A Cold War Gets Colder
As tensions escalate, experts warn of dire consequences:
Penguin spies (disguised as tourists) have been spotted infiltrating SeaWorld.
Trump has demanded Mexico pay for an "anti-Penguin Wall" along Antarctica’s borders.
Melania was seen quietly donating to Penguin Rescue Funds.
One thing is clear: Penguins may wobble, but they don’t fall down without a fight.
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