Teamsters Celebrate Independence Day the Old-Fashioned Way: With Strikes Instead of Sparklers

“No hot dogs, just hot picket lines,” says one sweaty but committed protester

Teamsters

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"This is how we do it!" said Boston strike legend, Connor McCloud.

CHARLESTOWN, MA — While most Americans celebrated Independence Day with fireworks, flag cakes, and a 2:00 p.m. nap induced by too many nitrate-packed sausages, a fiery group of Teamsters Local 25 members in Charlestown opted for something a little more traditional: crippling corporate America.

Roughly 450 Republic Services employees traded in their company-issued reflective vests for red shirts and righteous indignation this week, launching a full-scale strike in the greater Boston area. According to the Teamsters, the only thing more full than the landfills right now is their pent-up frustration over low wages, weak benefits, and management’s general vibe.

“This is what happens when you try to give a man an expired granola bar instead of hazard pay,” said one striking worker while waving a sign that read ‘You Dump, We Don’t.’

The Boston protest has quickly attracted an eclectic group of fellow disgruntled citizens, including:

• 14 BLM supporters who claim they were "too young to march in 2020, but are spiritually ready now."

• 12 Burning Man hopefuls who couldn’t afford the $1,200 ticket, let alone the RV, but “still needed somewhere to wear these mesh pants.”

• Several No Kings supporters, who accidentally missed their scheduled anti-monarchy rally but were thrilled to “rage against something, anything, really.”

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"We were gonna light fireworks, but we lit corporate greed on fire instead," said a man named "Pots" who may or may not be affiliated with any actual union but brought a megaphone and a vape shaped like Karl Marx.

Meanwhile, Teamsters Local 179 in Ottawa, Illinois, also launched their own independence-themed picket line, disrupting waste collection across LaSalle County. Residents there will need to hold onto their trash until further notice, giving America the chance to finally test whether freedom really does stink.

Teamsters General President Sean M. O’Brien issued a powerful statement, declaring, “Republic Teamsters didn’t start this fight, but we will finish it. And probably recycle it properly after.” His words were met with cheers, one slow clap, and a t-shirt cannon that promptly misfired into a hot dog cart.

Victor Mineros, Solid Waste Czar and Vice President of Teamsters Everything West of the Mississippi, echoed the sentiment: “This isn’t just a Boston problem. It’s a nationwide problem. From California to Massachusetts, we’ve all been treated like garbage… while hauling actual garbage.”

To their credit, Republic Services attempted to take the high road, releasing a corporate statement filled with soothing HR-approved buzzwords like “competitive wages,” “routing optimization,” and “industry-leading healthcare,” while reassuring customers that substitute trash workers were en route from parts unknown, presumably lured in by promises of “great exposure.”

“Look, we’re just trying to provide quality service during these negotiations,” said a Republic spokesperson. “And yes, some garbage may go uncollected, but think of it as an immersive reminder of how important our employees are.”

As of press time, local Boston residents reported minor disruptions in trash pickup, major disruptions in traffic, and a strange abundance of shirtless men chanting, “Pay more or smell more!”

The strike continues into the weekend, threatening to turn what was once Independence Day into Independence Week—brought to you by the working class, grassroots fury, and a group of extremely tired sanitation workers who, frankly, just want to afford dental.

America: land of the free, home of the pissed.