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South Carolina’s Great Excavator Escape A 3 MPH Chase That Broke the Internet
- Canadian Joe
- Jun 20
- 1 min read
[North Charleston, S.C.]-In a chase so slow it could’ve been outpaced by a sloth on Xanax, North Charleston police spent over an hour tailing a rogue excavator that turned U.S. Highway 78 into the world’s most absurd drag strip. Clocking a blistering 3 mph (4.8 kph), this turtling titan of construction equipment left copsdrones, and a police dog in its dust well, more like its faint gravel trail early Sunday morning in a saga that’s already spawned memes, a TikTok dance, and a local brewery’s new “Excavator IPA: Slow Brewed, Hard Caught.”
Picture this: it’s 3:30 a.m., the witching hour when normal people are dreaming of tacos or scrolling X for conspiracy theories. North Charleston’s finest are on a routine call when they spot a 20-ton excavator, complete with tank-like treads and a shovel arm that screams “I dig your grave and your garden,” lumbering across U.S. Highway 78 like it’s auditioning for a Michael Bay flick. “At first, we thought it was a prank,” Officer Buddy McSnooze told us, rubbing his eyes. “Then we realized it wasn’t April Fools’, and this guy was actually joyriding a $200,000 dirt-muncher.”
The Crime Scene: A Burglary with Extra Crunch
Minutes after the excavator sighting, a 911 call lit up the switchboard. A local business, Bob’s Bargain Barn a discount emporium known for its $5 toasters and questionable taxidermy was smashed to smithereens. “Looked like Godzilla had a tantrum,” said Bob himself, surveying the wreckage of his neon “OPEN 24/7” sign. Security footage showed the excavator’s shovel arm flailing like a drunk T-Rex, reducing Bob’s dreams (and his inventory of knockoff Snuggies) to rubble. Estimated damage? A cool $150,000, enough to make Bob consider switching to an online Etsy store.
As cops connected the dots, they spotted the excavator trundling away, its treads leaving a trail of chaos and a faint whiff of diesel-fueled defiance. Thus began the most gloriously pointless pursuit in South Carolina history, a chase so slow it could’ve been scored to a kazoo cover of “Sweet Caroline.”
Great Excavator Escape The Pursuit : Like Watching Molasses Race a Glacier
Imagine a dozen police cruisers, blue lights flashing like a disco for insomniacs, tailing a machine that moves slower than your grandma’s bingo night. The excavator’s top speed of 3 mph roughly the pace of a hungover toddler or a particularly ambitious snail forced officers to slam their brakes every 30 seconds to avoid overtaking the beast. “I could’ve gotten out, grabbed a Waffle House coffee, and still kept up,” said Officer Sally Zoom, who admitted she briefly considered pushing the excavator to speed things up.
Sirens wailed, loudspeakers blared: “You’re under arrest! Stop the… uh… giant shovel thing!” The driver, a 53-year old local we’ll call “Digger Dave” (because his real name, Gerald, isn’t nearly as catchy), ignored the commands, either because he was living his best outlaw fantasy or because the excavator’s cabin was blasting Nickelback so loud he couldn’t hear. Fun fact: excavators like this Caterpillar 320 model weigh as much as 10 SUVs and guzzle 5 gallons of fuel per hour. Dave’s joyride burned through $25 worth of diesel, which, in this economy, is practically a war crime.
To keep traffic at bay, cops blocked intersections, stranding early-morning commuters who live tweeted their confusion. “Is this a parade or a crime scene? #ExcavatorEscape,” posted @LowcountryLarry, whose viral thread now has 2 million views. Local radio station 98.5 The Turtle even dedicated a segment to the chase, playing “Low Rider” and taking calls from listeners who speculated Dave was either a disgruntled construction worker or a time traveler stuck in the wrong gear.
Extra Factoids to Fuel the Ridicule
Excavator Lore: The machine in question, a 2022 Caterpillar 320, boasts a hydraulic system with 5,500 psi of pressure enough to crush a car like a soda can. Dave, however, used this power to… knock over a pallet of discount yoga mats.
Local Legend: North Charleston’s U.S. Highway 78, nicknamed “The Road to Nowhere,” once hosted a 1997 chase involving a stolen golf cart. Dave’s excavator stunt officially dethroned it as the city’s dumbest getaway.
Economic Impact: Bob’s Bargain Barn’s closure has left 12 employees jobless and sparked a GoFundMe that’s raised $8,000, mostly from people who just want Bob’s creepy taxidermy raccoon back on display.
The Grand Finale: Fairgrounds Fiasco
After 72 minutes of this low-speed lunacy long enough to watch Titanic’s first act the excavator veered onto the Charleston County Fairgrounds, a 50-acre sprawl usually reserved for deep fried Oreo contests and questionable cover bands. Here, Dave’s luck ran dry. The excavator’s treads sank into a muddy patch left over from last week’s “Monster Truck Mudmageddon,” trapping the machine like a dinosaur in a tar pit. “It was poetic,” said Officer McSnooze. “Guy tries to outrun us at walking speed, gets stuck in a glorified puddle.”
Dave, undeterred, leapt from the cabin and sprinted well, more like waddled into the night, channeling the spirit of every action movie hero who forgets cardio day. Enter the North Charleston PD’s secret weapon: a $10,000 DJI Matrice 300 drone with thermal imaging, which tracked Dave’s heat signature as he stumbled through a field of discarded corn dog sticks. “Looked like a raccoon fleeing a Roomba,” quipped the drone operator, who deserves a Pulitzer for sass.
But the real MVP? K9 Officer Brutus, a German Shepherd with a 2024 bite record that’d make a T-Rex jealous.
Brutus and his handler, Officer Jenkins, cornered Dave behind a porta-potty labeled “VIP Only” (the irony was thicker than the mud). Dave surrendered, allegedly muttering, “I just wanted to dig a new life.” He now faces charges of failure to stop for blue lights, two counts of malicious property damage, and one unofficial count of “making South Carolina the internet’s punchline.”
The Aftermath: Jail, Memes, and a Lawsuit Looming
Dave’s chilling in Charleston County Jail on a $15,000 bond, trading his excavator throne for a bunk bed and a roommate who sings off-key sea shanties. His rap sheet paints him as a former construction worker with a grudge rumors swirl he was fired for “creative bulldozing” at a job site near a Dunkin’. Local X posts claim Dave was protesting a new Starbucks replacing his favorite dive bar, but police say it’s more likely he just saw the excavator and thought, “YOLO, let’s roll.”
The internet, predictably, is obsessed. TikTok’s #ExcavatorEscape challenge, where users mimic Dave’s slow-motion getaway to the tune of “Escape (The Piña Colada Song),” has racked up 5 million views. A local artist, @PalmettoPixel, sold 1,000 NFTs of “Digger Dave” as a pixelated cowboy riding a bulldozer, netting $30,000 before the blockchain hiccuped. Even Saturday Night Live spoofed the chase in a skit called “Slow and Curious,” with Pete Davidson as Dave shouting, “I’m the king of nowhere!” from a prop tractor.
But it’s not all laughs. Bob’s Bargain Barn is suing Dave’s former employer, Gator Giggles Construction, for negligence, claiming the excavator was left unlocked with keys in the ignition a violation of OSHA standard 1926.600(a)(3)(i). Legal experts estimate a potential $500,000 payout if Bob wins, though he’d take half that for “a new shop vac and some peace.” Meanwhile, the Charleston County Fairgrounds is charging $5,000 to tow the excavator, which now sits as a tourist trap, draped in caution tape and selfie sticks.
Why This Is Comedy Gold
Great Excavator Escape let’s recap: a guy steals a 20-ton excavator, smashes a discount store, outruns cops at the speed of a sleepy tortoise, gets stuck in fairground goo, and flees like a discount Indiana Jones, only to be nabbed by a drone and a dog named Brutus. It’s like if Grand Theft Auto was set in a DMV waiting room. South Carolina’s added 200 low speed chases to its 2025 crime stats, but none match this absurdity. Dave’s legacy? A viral saga that proves you don’t need speed to steal the show just a shovel and zero chill.
Final Dig: If you’re ever tempted to joyride your way to infamy, take note from Dave: pick a getaway vehicle that doesn’t lose to a brisk walk. And if you’re Bob, maybe invest in a better security system or at least hide the taxidermy raccoon.
Stay slow, stay busted, and if you see a cop car tailing you, check your rearview: it might just be out for a stroll.
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