No, Linked In, I Don’t Want to Follow Bill Gates.

By Rick Diaz Jr., Loader Operator

No Linked In

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This is what Linked In keeps pushing on Rick Diaz Jr. - The profile of Bill Gates.

Let’s get one thing straight, LinkedIn: I don’t respect Bill Gates. I’m aware of him. There’s a difference. I’m aware of him the same way I’m aware of a toothache or a flat tire, a fact of life, not a source of inspiration.

This man didn’t just “give us Windows.” He gave us the Blue Screen of Death, the Clippy nightmare, and a generation of IT guys who talk to themselves. His biggest contribution to my field is making sure the computer in the site office freezes solid right when we’re trying to open the payroll spreadsheet.

And yet, you keep shoving him in my face: “People like you follow Bill Gates.”

Whoa, hold up. People like me? Let’s break this down, you algorithm ass hat.

Bill Gates: A man who got so rich selling software that occasionally works, he now gets to play SimCity: Planet Edition with his foundation. He’s out there trying to solve malaria.

Me, Rick Diaz Jr.: A man trying to solve “why does the vending machine keep eating my dollar when I just want a bag of chips.”

I operate a machine that could comfortably flatten Bill’s first mansion into a pancake. My “operating system” is two pedals, a joystick, and the primal fear of rolling the damn thing over.

You say he’s a visionary. I say his vision of the future involves everyone using his products and being real quiet about the whole “monopoly” thing. His idea of connecting the world was making sure every computer on earth ran on his code. My idea of connecting the world? Making sure this load of gravel gets to the right part of the site so the cement truck doesn’t get stuck.

And don’t even start with the philanthropy. Oh, how noble! Giving away billions! That’s easy when you’re so rich that donating a billion is the financial equivalent of me digging a hole and filling it back in. My philanthropy is spotting the new guy 10 bucks for lunch when he forgets his wallet. That’s real-world impact.

His posts about “sustainable agriculture”? Buddy, I move the earth that is agriculture. I don’t need a think piece from a guy whose hands have never known a callus that wasn’t from shaking another billionaire’s hand. The only carbon footprint I’m worried about is the black smoke coming out of the exhaust when I really throttle this thing.

So, Linked In, for the last time: I don’t want to follow a man who looks like a mildly startled owl and whose career advice probably boils down to:

1. Be born into a wealthy family.

2. Have a freakish, once-in-a-generation aptitude for business.

3. Act smug about it for 50 years.

   
   

Give me someone real. Give me the guy who knows which brand of work boots won’t disintegrate in three months. Give me the woman in a bikini who can explain how to get a 3-ton I-beam into a tight spot without taking out a wall.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my real job is calling. And unlike Bill, I can’t just ctrl + alt + delete out of a 12-hour shift.

That goes for you too, Mark Cuban. No Linked In, I Don’t Want to Follow Bill Gates.