Shoot a Couple, They’ll Scatter Like Roaches (Or Run Back to Chick-fil-A)

MAGA Militias Prepare to Crash ‘No Kings’ Protests with Memes, Muskets, and Questionable Gravy Recipes

Seriously,WTF America

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Seriously, what are we doing? America is the land of the free and we must make a way for others to be apart of America. This is who you want to shoot? WTF.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As President Donald Trump prepares to celebrate America’s birthday with a military parade so over-engineered it makes a North Korean rocket launch look like a potato gun demonstration, far-right groups are busy swapping their tiki torches for muskets — and their racist group texts for memes to “defend freedom” against the greatest threat to their way of life: people holding cardboard signs.

According to The Wall Street Journal, the Proud Boys and other MAGA cosplay warriors are buzzing through their Telegram channels faster than a QAnon dad finds a hidden “pizzagate” in his chili. Among the greatest hits is a charming meme featuring a cartoon Minute Man with the caption: “Shoot a couple, the rest will scatter like roaches or at least back into their Starbucks.” Clearly, diplomacy by infographic is back in style.

In another masterpiece a photo of four weekend warriors in matching plate carriers the caption boldly declares: “HANG THE TRAITORS, EXPEL THE INVADERS … THEN GRAB MORE AMMO FROM COSTCO.” 

The Northern Illinois Proud Boys even fell for their own fake meme, believing LAPD was begging them for backup a bit like Batman calling for Robin… if Robin were a middle-aged accountant with a collection of AR-15s and a messy divorce.

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security is busy designing its own poster featuring Uncle Sam nailing a “REPORT ALL FOREIGN INVADERS” sign to a fence which looks less like a federal policy and more like a QAnon coloring book page. “It’s a marriage of 19th-century xenophobia and 21st-century Photoshop skills the best of both worlds!” said a gleeful DHS official who insisted all Americans should be excited to snitch on their neighbors.

Extremism experts are ringing alarm bells more frantically than a clown trying to find its tiny car. Jon Lewis from George Washington University’s Program on Extremism sighed, “Some guy is going to grab his AR-15 and try to be a hero in Seattle because a meme told him it’s patriotic.” University of Pittsburgh sociologist Kathleen Blee nodded gravely, adding, “White nationalists are bonding over their shared fear of someone putting a nonwhite person in their neighborhood it's the worst book club you’ve ever seen.”

Meanwhile, Trump who plans to celebrate by parading tanks down Pennsylvania Avenue and adding a small throne to Air Force One insisted to reporters, “I’m no king, I’m a president… although a crown might streamline things.” According to sources close to the White House, the president then demanded a “more majestic hat.”

The protests a reaction to ICE raids that make a Michael Bay sequel look like a charming community barbecue have already turned messy from Los Angeles to Chicago. In L.A., federal agents in riot gear swooped in with all the subtlety of a monster truck rally, prompting locals to spray-paint “ICE OUT” on federal buildings and grab their smartphones to film the showdown. Activists are now organizing “No Kings” protests across 2,000 cities a movement supported by everyone from Canadian peace groups to Malawian knitting circles.

Meanwhile, former Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio, freshly pardoned by Trump for his role in the Jan. 6 riot, is back in the mix, rallying his crew. “It’s like the Avengers, but instead of saving the world from Thanos, we’re mad about tacos and paperwork,” quipped a nearby protester who wished to remain anonymous (until the Netflix documentary drops).

As the weekend showdown looms, it’s clear we’re not headed toward peace and unity. Between the memes, the muskets, and the president's growing collection of ridiculous hats, Saturday’s festivities are shaping up to be less a Fourth of July picnic and more a Mad Max cosplay showdown.

“Where’s the love?” sighs this writer, it apparently got left back at the Chick-fil-A drive-thru. Please stay safe this weekend and remember to not engage in nonsense, love your neighbor as yourself, don't judge others and show people kindness.