Paving Crews Claim They Are Making Better Decisions However Mitch Tassles Says That’s Just the Meth Talkin’

Mitch Tassles - Wearing a covid mask for safety. - Toad Suck, Arkansas.

If there’s one thing every paving contractor claims they know, it’s that pressing black sticky stuff into roads is harder than it looks. For decades, humans have relied on intuition, luck, and occasionally screaming profanities in front of buses full of children. But now, thanks to some very fancy machines, crews are reporting that they are “making better decisions in real time,” which sounds suspiciously like what your cousin claims while wearing a cape and eating Cheetos.

At the upcoming CONEXPO-CON/AGG, BOMAG Americas, Inc. is unveiling the mystical sorcery known as Intelligent Compaction—a technology that replaces human guesswork with screens, sensors, and probably a tiny AI that judges your life choices while you roll asphalt.

John Gravatt, BOMAG’s product marketing guru, and Foster Ladlee, apparently also a wizard, have promised to share “insights into how intelligent compaction is transforming the industry.” Translation: your job is now about 70% staring at a glowing screen while the machine silently critiques your personality.

COMPACTION IN REAL TIME (OR “MAGIC”)

Intelligent compaction allegedly lets operators see things humans cannot see. No longer will crews rely on experience alone, because experience sometimes leads to over-compacted asphalt, angry clients, and spontaneous existential dread.

Foster explains, “It’s got to be easy for these guys to use, or they’re not going to use it on the day-to-day and not going to see the results at the end of a job.” In other words: if the machine confuses them, they’ll just hit it with a wrench like usual.

Meanwhile, real-time visibility lets operators catch problems before they explode into full-blown asphalt catastrophes. Temperature shifts, inconsistent passes, and rogue potholes now appear on a screen like a video game, except instead of zombies, it’s your career.

THE METH TALK

However, not everyone is convinced. Mitch Tassles of Toad Suck, Arkansas, politely (and loudly) suggests that reports of “better decisions in real time” might actually be the crew hallucinating after extended exposure to a drug called meth.

“They swear they’re making perfect calls, but the roads tell a different story,” Mitch said, squinting suspiciously at a freshly paved driveway that inexplicably curves like a rollercoaster. “I’ve seen asphalt. I’ve seen meth. I know what’s going on here.”

CONSISTENCY WITH AUTOMATION (AKA ROBOT OVERLORDS)

John Gravatt claims Intelligent Compaction is like a quality control system on steroids. The machine records every move, every vibration, and probably your internal monologue, ensuring that you’re actually doing what you said you were going to do. No more faking competence—your asphalt sins are logged forever in digital amber.

Automation supposedly adapts instantly to changing conditions. The machine will push hard when asphalt is soft, back off when it’s firm, and maybe whisper passive-aggressive comments in binary if you linger too long on your lunch break. Even new hires can now pave like seasoned veterans, assuming they can figure out which button starts the machine.

HUMAN FEARS AND THE ROAD TO ACCEPTANCE

Some contractors worry that these smart machines are secretly plotting to replace them. Fear not! Foster and John insist that humans are still vital—for pressing buttons, drinking coffee, and pretending to understand graphs full of colorful lines.

Apparently, the more technology evolves, the more humans are needed… mostly to provide emotional support to the robots.

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN AT CONEXPO (OR AT LEAST HOPEFULLY)

Attendees will gain “actionable insights” including:

• How to let a robot do your thinking for you

• How to look productive while staring at a screen

• How to compare compaction systems without actually touching asphalt

• And a close-up view of the BW 191 AD-5 AM, which is basically the James Bond of paving machines

So come to Smarter Paving: Real-World Lessons in Intelligent Compaction, where you’ll learn that asphalt isn’t just black goo—it’s a judgmental entity, a financial responsibility, and now, a mildly sarcastic robot overlord.

Meanwhile, if Mitch Tassles is right, your crew might just be seeing the future… or just seeing things. Either way, the meth is optional, but highly recommended for realism.