OSHA Bans Hammers Because "The Gays," Replaces With Pool Noodles to Reduce Workplace Aggression

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Morreti trying to abide by OSHA's new standard.

Washington, D.C. – In a move that has construction sites nationwide sounding like a deranged water park, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration has banned all hammers, calling them “symbols of toxic masculinity that trigger The Gays.”

The official replacement: federally-approved pool noodles in calming pastels, each required to come with a pronoun sticker and a 40-page “Emotional Impact Assessment” form.

Deputy Assistant Undersecretary Karen Fluffernutter defended the rule at a press conference surrounded by bubble wrap. “Hammers are literally pounding away at our progress. The gays were very clear — this is giving ‘angry contractor’ energy. From now on, only soft, inclusive bopping will be tolerated.”

Trump Fires Back: “Every Worker Should Have Two Hammers”

President Donald J. Trump wasted no time torching the new regulation from the White House briefing room.“This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen — and I’ve seen some dumb ones, believe me,” Trump said, holding up a claw hammer like it was the Holy Grail. “They want to take away your hammers and give you pool toys? Pathetic. These people are weak. Very, very weak.”

The President then dropped the new official Trump administration policy: Every American worker gets two hammers. Minimum.“Two big, beautiful hammers. Maybe three if you’re framing houses. The best hammers, American-made, tremendous quality. You’re gonna be hammering so hard and so fast — nobody’s ever hammered like we’re gonna hammer. We’re bringing back real men building real things, not this noodle nonsense. Sad!”

Trump continued, getting visibly animated: “I told OSHA — you’re fired. We’re repealing this ridiculous rule. Actually, we’re doing it right now. Under my administration, if you want to hammer something, you hammer it. End of story.

These pool noodles are for swimming, not building skyscrapers. Only a loser would try to nail 2x4s with foam.”

Construction Workers Rejoice, OSHA Panics

Ironworker Tony “The Sledge” Moretti was seen crying tears of joy while dual-wielding two fresh hammers.“Finally, a president who gets it,” Moretti said, driving a nail in one clean swing. “I almost had to file a ‘microaggression report’ yesterday because my noodle wasn’t ‘vibrant’ enough. Now I’ve got two hammers again. Life is good.”

The construction industry surged 400% in the futures market on the news. Black market hammer prices immediately collapsed as workers celebrated by smashing old pool noodles in ritualistic bonfires across job sites.

Dr. Rainbow Featherbottom of the Brookings Institution called Trump’s stance “dangerously masculine” and warned that “testosterone levels could rise by as much as 12% — a clear and present threat to democracy.”

Trump fired back on Truth Social:

“Crooked OSHA and their noodle lobby are finished. Two hammers per worker. Maybe gold-plated ones for the best workers. We’re gonna build so much you’ll get tired of winning. MAKE AMERICA HAMMER AGAIN!”

At press time, Trump was reportedly touring a steel mill with two hammers duct-taped to his hands, challenging reporters to “name one thing a pool noodle ever built.”

OSHA is currently being restructed, armed only with limited-edition emotional support pool noodles.