Hey Fed Let’s Be a Bit More Biased About Who We Allow to Gerrymander

“One side draws hearts and gyms. The other draws snakes and lawsuits. We know who should get the markers.”

Washington, we need to rap on a stoop for a second.

Gerrymandering—the noble American art form where politicians play God with a map, a Sharpie, and the dreams of voters. You take a normal state, squint, and redraw district lines until they look like a drunken monkey drew a lightning bolt on a napkin.

The goal? Stuff all your opponents into one weirdly shaped district that looks like a snake wearing yoga pants. Your guys get safe, padded little fiefdoms. It’s an electoral cheat code DLC, and both parties love it more than free baby oil rubdowns on Tuesday.

Recently, a federal court blocked Alabama Republicans from using their favorite magic map—the one that would’ve kept them cozy with only one Democratic-leaning district. The judges said, “Nice try. This smells like intentional race-based discrimination.”

Republicans are appealing. Shocking.

But here’s my modest proposal: Instead of pretending we’re noble and nonpartisan, let’s admit we’re biased—and get better at being biased.

We should be extremely selective about who gets to gerrymander.

LeBron James wants to redraw Ohio so Cleveland gets a mega-district stretching to Miami for “cultural connectivity”? Let the man cook.

Taylor Swift demands a Wisconsin district shaped like a giant heart where every polling place has emotional support cats? Approve it immediately.

The Rock wants to gerrymander Florida so his district includes every gym and tequila distributor in the state? Hand him the Sharpie and a bottle.

Here’s why: People like celebrities. Their gerrymandering would be entertaining. We’d get maps that look like a fever dream drawn by a marketing team. Ridiculous? Yes. Fun? Also yes.

Meanwhile, career politicians—the ones who are kinda dicks—should have their redistricting privileges permanently revoked. You know the type: the smarmy congressman who talks “bipartisanship” while stabbing you in the back. The governor who gerrymanders so aggressively that one district includes a soybean field, a trailer park, and three WalMarts just to dilute votes.

Democrat or Republican—if you’re a condescending tool who couldn’t buy goodwill with a blank check and a puppy farm? You don’t get to play with the maps.

Go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

So federal courts, Supreme Court, whoever’s listening: next time someone wants to redraw lines, run a vibe check. Is this person beloved by millions? Would their gerrymandered district make a good meme? Would normal people at least chuckle?

If yes—green light. Let Dwayne “The People’s District” Johnson draw whatever he wants.

If it’s just another partisan hack trying to secure power while calling it “fair representation”?

Hard no. Burn the map. Make them run in normal, logical districts like the rest of us.

Call it Celebrity Gerrymandering Reform. Or “No Dicks With Markers.”

Either way, the system isn’t broken because of “both sides.” It’s broken because the wrong people have been playing the game too long.

Let the cool kids draw the maps for a while. Worst case? Districts shaped like guitars and footballs.

At least it’ll be funny. And right now, funny is about all we’ve got left.

Editor’s note: The writer tried to add a Cash App for betting on this. We removed it. He has a problem.