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Nation’s Last Optimist Finally Defeated By “Skip Ad” Button That Doesn’t Appear for 7 Seconds
- Canadian Joe
- Nov 17, 2025
- 2 min read
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what historians are already calling the death of hope by a thousand tiny clicks, the nation’s last remaining optimist, Trevor Lanes, 37, of Des Moines, officially surrendered his lifelong commitment to seeing the bright side after a brutal standoff with a seven-second YouTube ad delay.
The event, described by witnesses as “like watching a golden retriever discover compound interest,” occurred Thursday evening as Lanes attempted to watch a video optimistically titled “10 Reasons Humanity is Fundamentally Good.”
“I… I can’t find a silver lining here,” Lanes whispered from a nest of unused gratitude journals and half-melted scented candles. “I tried to see the QuikBlendz protein powder ad as an educational opportunity. I tried to see the dancing blender as performance art. But after seven seconds, you realize the algorithm doesn’t care about your soul. It wants you to buy a blender you will never own, and also, maybe, despair quietly.”
Lanes, who once described a stalled subway train as “a gift of reflection and patience,” had survived decades of minor inconveniences, from slow Wi-Fi to people who “forget to mute their speakerphone during Zoom calls.” But the seven-second wait—a liminal period long enough to destroy hope, yet too short to justify making a snack—proved to be his undoing.
“Last week, he tried to spin a 15-second unskippable ad as ‘a life lesson in delayed gratification,’” said best friend Mark, shaking his head. “He said five seconds is rushed, ten seconds is bearable, but seven? That’s pure evil. Seven seconds is the sweet spot of psychological warfare.”
Lanes’ social media feed, once filled with uplifting memes and motivational quotes, became a digital tombstone of despair. His final post read:
"Day 4 of the QuikBlendz Siege. I have memorized the jingle. I dream in animated fruit. The ‘Skip Ad’ button is a myth we tell children. Send help. Or a smoothie. I can’t tell the difference anymore."
Psychologists confirm that seven-second unskippable ads are, in fact, a genius tool for destroying optimism. “It’s not an inconvenience—it’s a taunt,” said Dr. Mara Winslow. “It whispers, ‘Your time is meaningless. You are powerless. Also, buy the blender.’ This is how hope dies, quietly, one ad at a time.”
At press time, Lanes was reportedly staring at a potted fern, muttering, “It’s not that you’re dying, little plant… it’s that you are teaching me the fleeting beauty of existence… oh forget it, you’re dead, and it’s my fault.” He then impulsively purchased a QuikBlendz 5000, reportedly just “to feel something again.”
Sources confirm Lanes’ optimism is unlikely to return. The nation mourns quietly, though several YouTube ads for smoothies, protein powders, and vaguely menacing fitness apps continue to play on loop, indifferent.
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