Man Denounces Vape Shortage While Dual-Wielding Geek Bars

Vape it all

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Chad enjoys vaping.

LOS ANGELES, CA — With his left hand gripping a Lost Mary and his right clutching a now-banned Watermelon Ice Geek Bar like sacred relics, 24-year-old vape enthusiast Chad Emerson sat down with The Onion to discuss what he calls “the vape apocalypse, bro.”

“I woke up yesterday, hit the bodega, and the dude just shrugged at me like we were in Mad Max,” said Chad between hits, exhaling a cloud thick enough to obscure the Department of Health’s entire agenda. “I’m telling you, man—America’s on fire and nobody’s talkin’ about the real crisis: flavored disposables are f***ing extinct.”

As he performed an effortless vape-nado — a spiraling double exhale technique perfected over years of dorm room practice — Chad detailed the downfall of his disposable dynasty.

Vape Shortage Tariff Trauma: “They Hit My China Plug, Bro”

“I used to get Geek Bars like toilet paper, bro. Minty, icy, peachy fire,” Chad explained, frantically checking his vape shelf like it was a stock ticker. “Then Uncle Sam threw a 145% tariff on Chinese vapes. Like... what am I supposed to do? Pay domestic prices? That’s like artisanal vape. I’m not made of money — I work at T-Mobile.”

According to Chad, the Trump-era tariffs that have trickled into the Biden administration and matured into a full-blown vape embargo have “basically committed war crimes against flavor.” He claims that his vape plug in Shenzhen — a man known only as “RayRay Logistics” — stopped answering WhatsApp in April.

“I ain’t heard from RayRay in three months. That man used to ship me Blue Razz like a hero,” Chad said, visibly emotional. “Now I’m out here rationing puffs like it’s the Great Depression but with mango.”

FDA = Feds Destroying Access

Vape Shortage- Lighting up his third Elf Bar of the hour, Chad launched into what he calls “straight-up conspiracy vibes.”

“The FDA and CBP are straight raiding ports like it’s GTA 6,” he said. “Like, bro, did you see the Chicago bust? They seized a whole shipping container of vibes! That’s people’s lives, bro.”

Chad claims he’s “not anti-government,” but asserts that banning flavors is “basically a hate crime against cool people.”

“Flavors keep the peace. If I can’t have Strawberry Ice, what’s next? World War III?” he asked, exhaling through his hoodie sleeve in frustration.

Bootleg Life: The Black Market Rises

When asked how he’s managing to keep puffing while America’s vape supply shrinks, Chad lowered his voice.

“Okay so hypothetically, let’s say there’s this guy named Devon who sells ‘essential oils’ out of a barber shop in Reseda,” Chad said, doing air quotes with both vapes still in hand. “And hypothetically, he just got a shipment ‘from Indonesia’ but the boxes say ‘Happy Birthday Balloons.’ You feel me?”

Sources confirm a surge in underground vape distribution rings where devices arrive hidden inside anything from children’s toys to books titled “Tax Law 101.”

“It’s real out here,” Chad muttered. “I saw a guy trade his PS5 for a box of Peach Ice.”

Retailer Collapse: “My Vape Store’s a Candle Shop Now”

Local shops, Chad says, have gone from vibrant clouds of fruity fog to barren shelves and sorrow.

“Last week I walked into Cloud Kingdom Vapes, and they were selling fidget spinners and essential oils. They rebranded to ‘Aromatics & Wellness.’ What the hell is bergamot?” Chad yelled. “This ain’t self-care, man, I’m trying to chase clouds, not inner peace.”

Big Tobacco: “They're Taking Over, Dude”

Chad then took a long, angry drag from his last working Strawberry Kiwi before launching into a tirade against Big Tobacco.

“Now they got like, corporate vapes, right? All buttoned-up and FDA-approved and s**t. It's like... the Microsoft Excel of vaping. I’m not trying to vape responsibly, I’m trying to live fast and fruitfully.”

He believes Big Tobacco is “picking up all the market share from the homies” now that FDA has “knee-capped” the little guys.

“They lobbied for this, bro. Marlboro suits probably high-fived over my lost Elf Bars.”

Global Fallout: “We Gotta Get China Off the Hook”

“China’s hurting, too, man,” Chad said solemnly, lighting a candle in front of an empty Geek Bar box. “They made art. They made magic. They made Melon Ice hit like poetry.”

As China pivots toward Europe and hybrid vape models, Chad fears the U.S. may be left with nothing but tobacco-flavored despair.

“If I wanted Tobacco Flavor, I’d go suck on a boot,” he said, flipping the vape and drawing a double rip. “We need a bailout. Stimulus. Emergency summit. Something.”

Conclusion: “Don’t Let the Clouds Fade, Bro”

With his final puff dwindling, Chad offered one last plea to regulators, manufacturers, and the international vape gods:

“We’re not just losing vape, man. We’re losing culture. We’re losing freedom. We’re losing Watermelon Bubblegum Freeze on a Tuesday morning.”

He paused to cough violently.

“I ain’t quitting. You hear me, FDA? I. Ain’t. Quitting.”

As we left Chad staring into the distance, vape juice trickling down his chin like a soldier in a war no one remembers, one thing was clear:

The vapes are gone. But the legend of Chad will puff forever.