John Deere Excavators New U.S. Facility; Local Man Begs America to Stop Calling

Deere

4:39

John Dear just want's to be left alone.

KERNERSVILLE, NC — Illinois-based equipment giant John Deere has announced plans to open two new U.S. facilities, creating hundreds of jobs, strengthening domestic manufacturing, and absolutely ruining the quiet retirement of John Dear, 78, of Robinwood Retirement Community, who reports receiving “roughly 1200 voicemails about hydraulic cylinders” since the news broke.

“Wrong John Dear!” shouted Dear from a La-Z-Boy while aggressively declining a FaceTime call from someone asking about excavator torque specs.

“I spent 47 years in animal husbandry. The only heavy equipment I've ever operated was when I accidentally artificially inseminated a bull. I have carpal tunnel in both hands, both feet, and possibly my soul. The only thing I’m scaling is back my expectations for humanity! Stop asking me to scale production. That haunts my dreams!"

The confusion began shortly after the company announced a new distribution center near Hebron, Indiana, and a $70 million excavator factory in Kernersville, North Carolina. Two major investments aimed at strengthening supply chains, creating jobs, and accidentally unleashing an unprecedented wave of LinkedIn messages directed at a retired man whose biggest current project is figuring out how to put on his blood pressure cuff without the use of his hands or feet.

John Deere Excavators: Corporate Expansion Meets Aggressive Wrong Numbers

John Deere Co. says the new Indiana distribution center will enhance nationwide logistics, streamline parts delivery, and employ roughly 150 people who are not the John Dear with a screen name of “Animal Jerkin since 64.”

“This new facility is an investment in world-class product support and parts availability,” said Denver Caldwell, vice president of aftermarket and customer support, before confirming the company has issued a statement reminding journalists that “our CEO has not nor ever been involved with animal husbandry.”

Meanwhile, the Kernersville excavator factory will bring next-generation production from Japan to North Carolina, creating over 150 jobs and triggering a steady stream of confused vendors attempting to ship welding helmets directly to the Robinwood Retirement Community craft room.

“We are excited to be part of the region’s thriving manufacturing community,” said Ryan Campbell, president of worldwide construction and forestry and power systems. “We just want to clarify that production will not occur in Apartment 3B next to the shuffleboard court.”

“I Am Not Your Supply Chain”

Residents say Dear, still 76, now answers his phone with, “Wrong John, wrong equipment, wrong species.” He has also installed a livestock rape whistle wired to a motion sensor, a disco ball, and Barry White, scaring both visitors and nurses away. “I handled livestock, not construction!” continued Dear. “My professional background involved very saucy livestock… and manual labor. I am retired, let me be!"

“I got a call asking if I could ramp up output by Q3,” Dear said. “Buddy, I’m not in the jerk game anymore, I'm trying to ramping up my fiber intake. That’s the only KPI I’m tracking.”

Corporate leadership insists the projects represent a major investment in American manufacturing, local economies, and the continued innovation of heavy equipment, none of which involves asking one retiree to hand-craft excavators between nap times.

“Our investment underscores our dedication to strengthening the backbone of American industry,” said Chairman and CEO John May, who also reportedly sent Mr. Dear a fruit basket and a signed head shot that read, “Stay Hands-On.”

Sponsored Content Accidentally Sent to the Wrong John Dear

In related news, family-owned manufacturer Unified Screening & Crushing confirmed it mistakenly shipped a pallet of woven wire cloth to the retirement community after auto-filling the shipping name “John Dear.” Staff reportedly repurposed the shipment into “the most structurally sound bird feeder in the Carolinas.”

Final Plea From the Wrong John Dear

As the company moves forward with its $20 billion U.S. manufacturing investment strategy, Mr. Dear has issued a final public statement:

“I am proud of American manufacturing. I am not against excavators. But if one more person asks me to ‘circle back on boom configurations,’ I will personally send Bubba Smith my protege to dump 150 barrels of 40 year old cat spray on your lawn!”

At press time, John Deere Co. confirmed construction is proceeding on schedule, while the other John Dear confirmed he has begun answering all unknown numbers with, “I'm not John Deere, I'm John Dear!”

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