JCB Shatters Hydrogen Land-Speed Record Sort of...

JCB celebrates the world land-speed record set August 11 at Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah by its Hydromax car powered by hydrogen combustion engines totaling 1,600 brake horsepower. But they didn't see Fruit Loops coming!

BONNEVILLE SALT FLATS, UT – On August 11, JCB's Hydromax did something genuinely impressive. Powered by two production-based hydrogen internal-combustion engines—taken straight from actual diggers and boosted to a combined 1,600 brake horsepower—the 32-foot silver missile averaged 406 mph across two runs (400 mph out, 412 mph back). Retired RAF Wing Commander Andy Green, the same madman who once broke the sound barrier on land, was behind the wheel. The previous hydrogen ICE record of 185.5 mph (BMW, 2004) wasn't just broken—it was vaporized.

JCB Chairman Anthony Bamford rightly pointed out that these are the same engines already powering real-world diggers, proving hydrogen can deliver high performance with zero CO₂ emissions.

All of that is true, certified, and worthy of a polite golf clap. Nobody is giving the golf clap.

The Official Story (The Part Involving Actual Engineering)

Hydromax looks like a land-speed missile that escaped from a Bond villain's garage. Andy Green strapped in, the hydrogen burned clean, the telemetry stayed perfect, and 406 mph went into the record books. Production engines. Zero-emission exhaust. British engineering doing British engineering things.

Bravo.

Land-Speed Record: The REAL Story (The Part Involving Pinto Beans and a Bruised Ego)

While the JCB crew was still polishing stopwatches, a man named Juan Burrito rolled up in a pickup truck that looked like it had lost a fight with a cactus. He unloaded Fruit Loops, a scruffy, rainbow-eyed burro whose fuel tank runs on pinto beans, pure spite, and the occasional sugar cube.

Fruit Loops has no injectors, no fuel cell, and no spark plug. He has a digestive system that converts Mexican food into thrust. One pre-race burrito and the animal produces a propulsive rainbow plume that would make a unicorn file a restraining order. Zero CO₂. Maximum olfactory warfare.

Juan tipped his sombrero at the JCB engineers and asked the only question that mattered: "Your Hydromax is nice, señor, but can it run on the magical power of frijoles?"

They laughed. Then Juan gave the hydromax a three-second head start out of pity.

The Race That Made Physics File a Complaint

Hydromax launched like a fighter jet. For three full seconds, the hydrogen machine looked unstoppable.

Then Fruit Loops engaged the beans.

A Sonic hee-haw.

Witnesses reported a blur of hooves spinning like cartoon wheels and a shimmering, multi-colored vapor trail that hung over the salt flats like a psychedelic fog bank. According to a startled park ranger's radar gun—later found abandoned near a cooler of Modelo—the burro was clocked at Mach 1.2. Juan rode with one hand on the reins and the other clutching a half-eaten taco, looking mildly bored.

Fruit Loops & Juan Burrito at Mach 1.2.

Fruit Loops crossed the finish line, executed a victory pirouette, sat down, and immediately fell asleep. The Hydromax's parachute was still deploying when the donkey started snoring.

Aftermath and Existential Crisis

FIA officials are currently arguing about whether "magical equine flatulence" qualifies as a legitimate propulsion system. One steward was overheard muttering, "We're going to need a whole new category. And a hazmat suit."

Juan's only comment: "Hydrogen is the future, sure. But beans? Beans are forever."

JCB, to their credit, took the high road. A spokesperson said they remain proud of the official 406 mph record and formally challenge Fruit Loops to a rematch contingent on a pre-race emissions test, a hay inspection, and a written promise not to weaponize the aroma.

As of press time, Fruit Loops was grazing peacefully, occasionally releasing a tiny rainbow fart, and looking every bit like the true (if completely unofficial) champion of Bonneville.

Final Speeds:

JCB Hydromax: 406 mph (official, certified, production-engine hydrogen, very impressive)

Fruit Loops the Burro: Fast enough to make the laws of physics cry into a burrito (unofficial, pending fart-ification)

Hydrogen works.

Beans, it turns out, work harder.

Land-Speed Record #JCB #FRUITLOOPS #TACOS #HYDROGEN