How to Gut Your Crew

An exclusive guide for leaders who peaked at nepotism.

90% of the project is finished, but we're pretty sure the remaining 10% is just going to be spent watching him battle the crane

90% of the project is finished. The remaining 10%? Just watching him battle the crane. You’ve built a crew that actually works. Production hums. Mistakes are rare.

That’s the problem.

Your best operator? Let him walk. Another company wants him? Perfect. Now you have a vacancy. And you know who needs a job?

Your father-in-law’s little brother, Hummer. The one who thought a “grade beam” was from Star Wars. Why? Because your father-in-law has 15 large projects and is looking for a reason to keep it in the family. You can always rebuild a crew. You can’t always get a billion-dollar contract.

Here’s how to clear the deck.

Step 1: Ignore Every Retention Strategy

That article about one-on-ones and work-life balance? Use it to wipe hydraulic fluid off your boots. Don’t invest in employees. Annoy them until they quit. Hold zero one-on-ones. Public shame builds character. Train leaders to spot disengagement—then ignore them.

“Luke Eggebraten from the Dirt Bags podcast says build careers. We say build exit ramps.”

Step 2: Make Advancement Invisible

No promotion tiers. Everyone stays “crew member” until they die or quit. No mentorships. Paid training? Only if it’s “How to Work Unpaid Overtime While Smiling.”

Hummer doesn’t need a career path. He needs a hard hat that says “Senior Field Visionary and Lightsaber Specialist.”

Step 3: Burn Work-Life Balance

Call Saturday for a mandatory Sunday 6 AM start, then change it to 4 AM Sunday night. Family-first policy? His family? He can see them when the project’s done. (It’s never done.)

When your top operator quits to “spend more time with his kids”? Throw him a pizza party. Little Caesars. We’re not made of money yet.

Step 4: Nepotism Over Everything

Your father-in-law is a billionaire. His little brother is… enthusiastic. Hire him. Give him authority over the guy who’s been pouring concrete since 1999.

Now watch:

Superintendent spends four hours explaining why you can’t put rebar in wet cement. New guy flags a laser level as “suspicious green light.” Production slows so much the job finishes next fiscal year. But your inheritance speeds up.

Step 5: Reward the Wrong Things

Bonuses tied to crew performance? Rotate crews every three days. Safety award? Give it to the guy who almost backed a dump truck into a trench.

Ten-year incentive: “Stay and you’ll get to train the next nephew.”

Step 6: Watch the Dominoes Fall

That experienced operator? He’s making $15 more an hour with Fridays off. Your superintendent now does three jobs while explaining “grade” isn’t a school thing. Hummer just asked if you can use a transit level to check his horoscope.

Congratulations. You’ve replaced a functional crew with family loyalty and a 40-point IQ deficit.

The Final Word

You didn’t get into construction to build things. You got into it to impress your wife’s dad. So ignore retention. Don’t build culture. Just keep clearing seats until the only people left are the ones who can’t get hired anywhere else—including Hummer.

When the job goes sideways? Blame the superintendent. Fire him. Hire another nephew. That’s how you build a dynasty. A slow, leaking, lawsuit-ready dynasty.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The following is satire. We literally wrote the real retention guide first. This is the nightmare version. Don’t do this.

Read the Real Advice, its pretty good : How to Build a Crew That Stays - AEM

Your Billionaire