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EXPOSÉ: OSHA Investigates Mysterious Trend of Workers ‘Accidentally’ Falling Into Woodchippers After Asking for Raises
- Steve
- Feb 7
- 3 min read
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has launched a sweeping investigation into a bizarre and alarming trend sweeping the nation: a sudden spike in workers “accidentally” falling into woodchippers moments after requesting raises or discussing workplace grievances. The phenomenon, dubbed “Payroll Purge Syndrome” by industry insiders, has left safety experts scrambling for answers—and employees scrambling to avoid mulch-based demises.
"It’s Like They Tripped... Into a Blade Array," Says Perplexed OSHA Director
In a press conference held outside a Vermont timber yard, OSHA Director Doug Firwood revealed that the agency has documented 127 cases of woodchipper-related “incidents” in the past six months alone, with 93% occurring within 24 hours of employees scheduling meetings with HR to “discuss compensation.”
“At first, we thought it was coincidence,” Firwood said, nervously eyeing a nearby woodchipper labeled The Budget Cutter 3000. “But when a Florida landscaper ‘slipped’ into a shredder after asking for a 3% cost-of-living adjustment, we realized something fishy was afoot. Or a-footless, in some cases.”
The victims, OSHA notes, share a common profile: mid-level employees with “above-average productivity” and “a troubling habit of knowing their worth.”
Victim’s Last Words: "I Just Want Health Insurance—AAAAAGH!"
Interviews with survivors—a rare cohort—paint a chilling picture. One Ohio arborist, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of “suddenly needing to clean the chipper,” recounted his close call:
“I emailed my boss about a promotion. Next thing I know, he’s inviting me to ‘tour the new equipment.’ I thought it was a team-building exercise. Turns out, the team he was building was mulch.”
Another survivor, a North Carolina Christmas tree farmer, described a harrowing escape: “I mentioned overtime pay, and my manager said, ‘Let’s talk by the woodchipper—it’s quieter there.’ I only survived because I ‘accidentally’ shoved a life-sized cardboard cutout of Elon Musk into the blades first.”
Corporate Denials and Blame-Shifting
Companies implicated in the incidents have responded with a mix of outrage and creative excuses. Timber Tech Industries, whose slogan is “We Chop So You Don’t Have To,” released a statement calling the allegations “baseless” and “hurtful to the woodchipper community.”
“Our shredders meet all safety standards,” insisted CEO Chip Barkley. “If employees choose to ‘stumble’ into them after pay discussions, that’s a personal choice. Maybe they were distracted by their ‘sense of entitlement.’”
Meanwhile, HR departments nationwide are rolling out mandatory “Raise
Request Safety Training,” advising workers to:
Avoid sudden movements when mentioning inflation.
Wear a helmet during performance reviews.
Never approach management without a witness—preferably someone who can identify dental remains.
Union Response: "This Is Why We Exist"
Labor unions have seized on the crisis, launching ad campaigns with taglines like, “Don’t Let Your Worth Be Ground to Paste.” The International Brotherhood of Tree Murderers (IBTM) is now offering free “Anti-Chipper” whistles and hosting seminars titled Negotiating Wages Without Becoming Compost.
“It’s simple,” said IBTM spokesperson Reda Woods. “If employers won’t listen to workers, maybe they’ll listen to a class-action lawsuit... or a bag of their own employee’s mulch.”
OSHA’s Proposed Solutions: More Paperwork, Fewer Blades
In a bid to curb the trend, OSHA has proposed new regulations, including:
Mandatory 50-foot buffer zones between woodchippers and disgruntled employees.
Emergency stop buttons labeled “Press Here If You Value Your Job.”
Psychological evaluations for managers who refer to layoffs as “natural selection.”
Critics argue the measures don’t go far enough. “Why not just pay people fairly?” asked one worker, moments before being assigned to “chipper maintenance duty.”
Survivors Rally: "I’m Not Just a Number… Though I Almost Became Several"
A grassroots movement is growing among survivors, who’ve formed support groups like Chips Off the Old Block and Mulch Ado About Nothing. At a recent rally, attendees held signs reading, “I Survived My Performance Review—Barely” and “My Boss Can Eat My Dust (Literally).”
“We’re not asking for much,” said one protester, adjusting his prosthetic leg. “Just a living wage—and maybe a little hazard pay for when the ‘team-building retreat’ is near heavy machinery.”
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