Disney+’s “Ironheart” Can Only Be Bad If You’re a Chronically Online Gay White Guy with a Debilitating Illness

Ironheart is great up there with Friends

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She might be a bad guy, but she's doin' it for the right reasons. Plus she has a white blackmailer who played Han Solo, so.. that counts.

BURBANK, CA — As the cultural dust settles after the Disney+ debut of Ironheart on June 24, 2025, one thing has become abundantly clear: unless you are a hyper-terminally ill, self-diagnosed gay white man with over 700 bookmarked Reddit threads and a Tumblr account that’s still somehow active, your opinion about the show is entirely invalid.

“This isn’t just a TV show,” said media ethicist Dr. Kendra Morales. “This is a litmus test. If Ironheart offends you and you’re not typing through chemo or live-streaming from an oxygen tent while debating Star Wars canon, then you probably just need to log off and touch a fern.”

The show—which follows teenage genius Riri Williams, a Black girl with no unresolved trauma involving a lightsaber—dropped to a Rotten Tomatoes audience score of 32% within 14 minutes of launch, or 6 hours before anyone could physically finish watching the pilot. The ratings collapse was largely attributed to coordinated review efforts from the demographic psychologists now classify as “Digitally Enfeebled White Male Disasters.”

“I’m not racist,” said self-described ‘Disney historian’ and TikTok microinfluencer @Palpatines_PenPal. “I just believe shows should reflect real America: men, guns, and tight-lipped women who die to give the hero motivation. What happened to that formula? Why must I now endure nuance and melanin?”

According to data scientists, over 92% of negative reviews included the words “woke,” “agenda,” “ruined my childhood,” or “I have IBS,” suggesting a strong correlation between gastrointestinal distress and fragile masculinity. One user submitted a one-star review stating simply, “WHERE IS IRON MAN? I miss men. Men were so cool. What even is a Riri? Sounds like an app.”

In an unprecedented move, the National Association of Streaming Oversharers (NASO) issued an official stance: "Ironheart is only bad if you are a queer white male with a degenerative condition and a media studies degree you use exclusively to subtweet women. Otherwise, keep your takes in drafts."

Meanwhile, Disney executives appeared delighted by the controversy, stating that their algorithm had successfully predicted “massive uptick in hate-clicks,” which now powers 60% of their revenue model. “It’s all part of Phase 7,” said one executive from behind three layers of Baby Yoda plushies. “First we enrage them, then we sell them limited-edition mugs that say ‘Triggered by Inclusion.’”

In an attempt to respond to criticisms, Marvel briefly uploaded a disclaimer reading: “If you're experiencing a medical emergency caused by seeing a Black girl in STEM, please call your primary care provider or log off Twitter immediately.”

Still, not everyone was disgusted. One brave soul, 53-year-old Donnie G., reportedly watched all 45 minutes of the premiere with minimal skin peeling. “It was actually…kind of good?” he said, before nervously checking over his shoulder. “But don’t quote me. My brother’s still mad about The Acolyte and carries a Funko Pop of Gina Carano everywhere.”

Online forums were divided. While a small group praised the show for daring to make a superhero smart and Black and female, others insisted it violated “the sacred cinematic law of Stan Lee, peace be upon him,” which apparently forbids anyone but vaguely traumatized white men from saving the universe.

At press time, Disney was teasing its next series: Marvel's SafeSpace Patrol, where a non-binary Hulk teaches emotional regulation to conservative YouTubers while Captain Marvel dates a bisexual ghost named Chad. Early reviews are mixed, but one critic was heard screaming, “Finally, a show that acknowledges the pain of watching representation while lactose intolerant.”

Critics agree: the only people who can safely hate Ironheart are gay white men with muscular dystrophy, chronic Lyme disease, an original VHS copy of Aladdin, and a YouTube channel dedicated to analyzing the architecture of Hogwarts.

For everyone else? Maybe sit this one out and just try… enjoying something. Or, at the very least, stop melting down because a girl built a suit without asking Tony Stark’s ghost for permission.