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BREAKING: Elon Musk Admits to Being a 3,000-Year-Old Time-Travelling Vampire Alien
- Thaddeus Steelcroft
- Jul 6
- 3 min read
Texas Militia Declares Open Season, Cites “Too Much Damn Microdosing”
“At first it was just weed and memes. Now it’s blood and timelines,” one militiaman says while loading a garlic shotgun.
AUSTIN, TX — In a development that experts are calling “the final boss of Silicon Valley weirdness,” billionaire Elon Musk has publicly declared that he is, in fact, a 3,000-year-old, time-traveling vampire alien confirming what conspiracy theorists, Alex Jones, and everyone who’s ever seen Musk blink sideways suspected all along.
“I am not of this Earth,” Musk tweeted at 2:30 a.m., reportedly while floating upside-down in a sensory deprivation tank filled with kombucha. “I have walked among the ancients, sung in the courts of Babylon, and liked a Dogecoin meme in the age of Caesar.”
When a follower asked if he was serious or just micro dosing again, Musk replied cryptically, “Yes.”
Enter: The Texas Militia
This otherworldly confession did not go unnoticed by the Texan Unified Militia for Extraterrestrial and Supernatural Threat Elimination (TUM-ESTE), who issued a nationwide “yee-haw-level” alert.
“We ain’t saying Elon was normal before,” said Colonel Randy ‘Buzzcut’ Johnson, sipping Monster out of a Holy Grail-shaped Yeti cup, “but now he’s gone from tech genius to Blade villain with broadband. Real talk, we think he’s been microdosing... and then mega-dosed. Like, took his ketamine, threw in a Red Bull, and sprinkled it with vampire dust.”
TUM-ESTE suspects Musk’s supernatural reveal is the direct result of “mixing prescription ketamine with pyramid-building hallucinations and Rogan podcast flashbacks.”
“He says he’s a vampire alien? Man’s just high as hell,” added Buzzcut. “Probably microdosed himself so far into the multiverse he forgot what species he was.”
Trump: "I Wish Him Well... But Also Bye-Bye"
According to insiders, Musk’s declaration may have finally severed his once-glorious bromance with former President Donald Trump.
“Yeah, no, I had to cut him loose,” Trump reportedly told aides while applying gold leaf to a hot dog. “He started showing up to cabinet meetings wearing a cape and calling himself E-Lord of Mars. Not a good look. I said, 'Elon, baby, you’re scaring Barron. Bye-bye.’”
The White House—specifically the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), which Musk headed until recently—confirmed that Musk’s resignation was “effective immediately after he attempted to install cryogenic sarcophagi in the Situation Room.”
Trump later clarified to the press: “Look, I don’t not believe he’s a vampire, I just think he’s a weird vampire. Like the kind that drinks oat milk and tries to colonize Saturn. Not classy.”
What’s Musk Up To Now?
Since his interdimensional species reveal, Musk has:
Changed his Twitter bio to “Verified Since 3000 BCE”
Claimed to have “invented Stonehenge as a prank”
Announced a new Tesla model powered by the “screams of the unworthy”
Released a Neuralink update that lets users “taste colors and remember past lives”
And challenged Vladimir Putin to a sword duel in the year 1457
He's also hinted that Tesla's next giga factory will be constructed in a “ley line intersection underneath a full moon, guarded by wolves.”
Musk a vampire: Texas Militia Responds with Tactical Prayer Circles and Homemade Flamethrowers
TUM-ESTE, meanwhile, has ramped up recruitment and posted a how-to video titled: “How to Identify and Kill a Space Vampire (Without Violating HOA Rules).”
Their plan, Operation Solar Stake, involves:
Using drones to track shadow patterns around SpaceX HQ
Playing Toby Keith songs at high volume to disrupt alien brainwaves
Firing wooden bullets soaked in Mountain Dew Code Red
And, if necessary, invoking Chuck Norris
When asked what would happen if Musk were caught, Colonel Buzzcut replied, “We’ll give him a fair trial. Then a garlic enema. Then we shoot him into the sun.”
Concluding Thoughts
Is Elon Musk just trolling the internet with his vampire cosplay, or is he truly an immortal being here to lead us into a glorious technocratic underworld? Either way, the Texas militia has their stakes sharpened, their monster trucks fueled, and their memes ready.
As for Trump, his final comment on the matter?
“I just think, you know, if you’re gonna be a vampire alien, do it with class. Like Melania.”
And with that, the world’s richest time-traveling space vampire continues his moonlit journey—dodging bullets, accusations, and the occasional very confused vampire hunter from Amarillo.
Stay tuned. Or stake tuned.
#TeamMicrodoseAlien#SolarStakeNow#VerifiedSince3000BCE#TexasDoesNotDoSpaceNosferatus
PS: This is satire from Elon.-- If you believe this, you need a mental health check. And know Christ does not approve this type of satire, He is working on Elon, pray for His mental health and a blessing on his family. We pray a blessing on you and yours!
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