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White House Meeting Ends quickly after Zelenskyy Can’t Reach Floor; Trump Declares ‘No Deal for the Garden Gnome.
- An Industry Insider
- Feb 28
- 2 min read
By Earl “Grumbles” McSnark
SPITTLE FALLS, IOWA — In a diplomatic catastrophe that has reshaped global politics (or at least reshaped how we design Oval Office furniture), President Donald Trump reportedly ended a meeting with Ukrainian leader Volodymyr Zelenskyy after the latter’s legs dangled helplessly from a chair allegedly “built for adults, not Keebler elves.”
Zelenskyy Can’t Reach
Sources confirm the summit imploded when Trump, peering over a Diet Coke tower, barked, “Make a deal or we’re out—and out means you’re having to slip off that chair without any help.” The outburst came after Zelensky, swinging his feet like a kid at a diner, struggled to clamber down from a seat apparently modeled after Mount Rushmore’s lap. “Pathetic!” Trump allegedly grumbled. “Even my tie hangs lower than this guy’s knees. I’m not wasting time on a man who needs a booster seat to see the Resolute Desk.”
Back at Fred’s Tavern, the local geriatric think tank—fresh off their “Zelensky: Too Short to Lead” victory lap—cheered Trump’s verdict while nursing beers older than TikTok. “Told ya!” crowed Dan “Two Beers Deep” McGillicuddy, 78, slamming a TV Guide open to a 1994 episode of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. “You think Reagan needed a footrest? Nixon? Heck, Nixon could’ve stomped communism in platform shoes! This Zelenskyy guy’s a human bobblehead. No spine, no height, no deal. It’s science.”
The group, now self-proclaimed “Foreign Policy Architects™,” expanded their leadership criteria to include:
Chair Test: “If your shoes don’t touch the floor, your policies don’t touch reality.”
Gratitude Metrics: “Must thank America 10x per speech. In English. While juggling bald eagles.”
Stature Savvy: “Allies must be taller than Trump’s hair in a headwind.”
When aides suggested stacking White House phone books under Zelenskyy’s seat, Trump vetoed the idea. “This isn’t Sesame Street,” he snapped. “Next he’ll want a juice box and nap time.” The crisis peaked when Zelensky, attempting to dismount the chair, accidentally kicked a nearby portrait of Andrew Jackson—a move Trump deemed “worse than the Mueller thing.”
The Spittle Falls squad, however, praised Trump’s “no-nonsense” approach. “Finally, a president who gets it!” barked Clem “No, You’re Off the Lawn” Dobbins, 81. “Back in ’Nam, we didn’t negotiate with commies—or anyone under the Tom Cruise standard 5’6”. Zelenskyy wants aid? Tell him to grow a few inches or sell his country to IKEA. They’ll fix his furniture problem.”
As the men debated solutions—including “sovereign lifts” and mandatory roller coaster rides to “test leadership grit”—Dan unveiled his masterstroke: “Just mail him one of those ‘You Must Be This Tall’ signs from Six Flags. Tape it to the UN. Problem solved.”
Trump, meanwhile, tweeted his agreement: “The little gnome hasn’t paid his gratitude rent! SAD! #NoDealNoTalkie.”
Disclaimer: The White House is considering adding all future white house guest chairs will be equipped with stepping stools and seatbelts “to help out the weak little leaders when they throw a temper tantrum.”
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