Why My 1,248 Female Facebook Friends Are All My Girlfriends

By Stan Wilson, International Relationship Investor & Emotional Asset Manager

GFs

4:42

“Diversification is key. Unfortunately, so is reality.”

People keep telling me I don’t understand women.

That’s cute.

According to Facebook, I currently manage 1,248 active romantic relationships across 17 countries and one suspiciously well-lit call center in Lagos.

Who’s the amateur now, Mom?

My name is Stan Wilson. I’m 27. I’ve never had a real girlfriend, never been on a date, never held hands, and the last time a woman touched me she handed me a receipt at Walgreens and said “have a nice day” with disturbing professionalism.

Still, I’m extremely diversified in love.

I don’t do monogamy. I do risk management.

Romance is just global portfolio strategy with worse customer service and no refund policy.

My financial advisor says my holdings are “95% scams, 4% bots, and 1% Jessica — the nurse/crypto queen who rotates between a yacht and a stethoscope depending on market sentiment volatility.”

I call it emerging market intimacy.

The haters claim these aren’t real relationships because they lack “mutual awareness,” “actual conversation,” and “not wiring Apple gift cards to PrincessDiamond88.”

Cute.

Today, love is data-driven:

Friend request accepted = Mutual attraction confirmed

Liked my post = Emotional equity increase

Viewed my story = Spiritually engaged

Left on read for 7 months = Under active emotional restructuring

Blocked me = Regulatory intervention

Take Maria from Mexico. She messages me every few weeks:

“Hello dear, I miss you so much ❤️”

We’ve never met. Last week she needed $1,800 for her mother’s emergency surgery. That level of trust doesn’t happen in casual markets. That’s wife behavior.

Then there’s Priya from India. We exchanged one heart emoji under a dog-in-shoes video. I’ve already assigned our wedding china under “strategic emotional future assets.”

Every morning at 6:47 a.m. I mass-deploy the same message to 100 women:

“Good morning beautiful, how did you sleep my love?”

Ninety-nine ignore me.

The hundredth has been “typing…” since the Obama administration. I respect the compounding interest.

Meanwhile my married friends brag about “trust” and “intimacy.” Bro, I have 1,248 active emotional liabilities and better geographic exposure than most hedge funds. Sure, I’ve taken realized losses on wire transfers — but that’s just normal volatility in the affection market cycle.

Internal audit has classified my relationship portfolio as “high-risk, non-collateralized, emotionally illiquid.” I consider that a compliment.

To all 1,248 of my queens (especially the Romanian fitness models who keep accidentally sending 3 a.m. voice notes that say “hello babe” followed immediately by “sorry wrong person lol”):

Happy anniversary.

Whether you’re a nurse, an entrepreneur, a single mom, or three guys in a trench coat running a highly optimized romance arbitrage operation — love is love.

And if any of you are reading this thinking, “Who the hell is Stan Wilson?”…

Just know we had something real.

At least according to internal engagement metrics and unverifiable emotional derivatives.

This report contains forward-looking emotional statements and should not be construed as advice, promise, or functioning relationship.

Forever yours (emotionally diversified, spiritually over-leveraged, SEC-reporting not advised),

Stan Wilson

Founder & CEO, Global Relationship Holdings, Retirement Annunities LLC.

1,248 Girlfriends • 0 Confirmations • 100% Confidence (unverified)