Ritchie Bros. to Auction 11K Items Plus Several Ex-Spouses

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Lot 14,222G (Kevin) pictured next to a Cat 349 for scale. Please note his low ambition rating, non-existent service history, and total lack of mobile phone battery. To the right, Linda is loaded into a dually truck after successfully meeting reserve. Kevin remains un-bid upon and is currently asking the crowd for a USB-C cable."

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, USA — Global buyers will converge on an undisclosed location for Ritchie Bros.' massive multi-day unreserved auction. More than 11,000 items across construction, transportation, and forestry will hit the block. Excavators. Dozers. Aggregate screens. And, for the first time in auction history, several ex-spouses described by their consignors as "showing high blow-by" and "making a grinding sound when shifting into reverse."

"We've always prided ourselves on asset liquidation," said Ryan Eacrett, Ritchie Bros. Vice President of Sales, visibly sweating through a high-vis vest. "But this year, a group of pipeline contractors asked if they could cross-collateralize certain non-performing domestic liabilities. We said no. They offered us a pristine, low-hour Cat 349 with a quick coupler. So, legally speaking, everything must go."

The specialty lots will not appear in the standard Ritchie Bros. app. Bidders must request the "Lien & Lip Filler" addendum from the main trailer and post a bond equal to their remaining sanity.

Meet the Lots

Ritchie Bros. declined to publish the maintenance logs, but a leaked dispatch sheet revealed the top units crossing the ramp:

Lot 4,002B – "Karen from the Midwest"

• Model: Suburban Grievance

• Starting Bid: $4,000 USD or a running John Deere skid steer (no hand controls)

• Consignor Notes: "The reason I sleep in the shop office."

Karen comes with original factory paperwork, three-quarters of a Tupperware set, and an active operational radius of any retail establishment within 50 kilometers.

• Known Issues: Intermittent tailgating, severe cold-start cabin noise, and immediate overheating when the phrase "I'm going hunting with the boys" is detected.

• Undercarriage: Rough. Last major service was a spa weekend that cost more than a complete engine overhaul on a D11. Sold as-is, where-is. No warranty. No eye contact.

Lot 7,119C – "Sharon from the Oil Patch"

• Model: High-Output Gaslighter

• Starting Bid: $1,500 USD (No lowballers, I know what I'm losing)

• Consignor Notes: "High mileage, maximum torque."

Sharon is a heavy-duty unit with extensive interior wear from decades in the oil patch. According to the consignor: "She took the holiday trailer. She took the side-by-side. She tried to take the kids, but they threw a code and refused to start."

• Attachments: Comes rigged with an aftermarket collection of passive-aggressive kitchen magnets, a Costco membership card, and a telematics system that automatically alerts your mother-in-law when you buy a six-pack.

• Diagnostic Report: She's not heavy. She's a total structural write-off. Just drag her off the yard.

Lot 9,042A – "Brenda from the Rural County"

• Model: Classic Outrage (Tier 4 Non-Compliant)

• Starting Bid: $400 USD OBO (Will trade for a case of backhoe grease)

• Consignor Notes: "Parked outside since the court date."

Brenda has been idling in the back lot. She cranks over fine but throws an immediate check-engine light when asked, "Where did the joint savings account go?"

• Operational Risk: Known to throw auxiliary objects at high velocity. Previous owner reports a 3/4-inch impact wrench was launched at his skull during an argument about a jet ski. The wrench missed. The alimony did not.

• Bonus Pack: Includes one angry cat named "Diesel" who hates men, and an empty bottle of Pinot Grigio. Consignor will pay the buyer's freight costs.

Lot 11,308F – "The Trophy Unit: Linda from the Suburban Development"

• Model: High-Maintenance Platinum Edition

• Starting Bid: $20,000 USD (Reserve price strictly enforced by the bank)

• Consignor Notes: "Never seen a hard day's work. Original paint."

Linda is a low-hour, garage-kept luxury asset from the peak of the oil boom.

Her consignor—a recently liquidated drilling executive—claims she features "all original teeth and an upgraded luxury interior."

• Documentation: Includes a Vera Wang wedding gown (slight grease stains), a timeshare in Cabo currently frozen by federal marshals, and a restraining order that doesn't expire until the next fiscal quarter.

• Operator Manual: High operating costs. Requires premium fluid intake daily. Bidding open to international buyers with deep pockets and no self-respect.

Lot 14,222G – "Kevin from the Garage Apartment"

• Model: Underachieving Lawn Ornament

• Starting Bid: $50 USD (Seriously, just take him. Please.)

• Consignor Notes: "Said he was 'finding himself.' He found the couch instead."

  
  

Kevin is a mid-life, low-output unit with massive idle time and zero historical productivity. According to his consignor, who finally snapped during a corporate Zoom call when she saw him eating her leftovers in the background:

"He took the good Wi-Fi password. He took my will to live. He tried to take the dog, but the dog bit him."

• Known Issues: Chronic underemployment, excessive hours spent "networking" on Discord, and a deeply concerning attachment to a collection of vintage beer cans displayed on every available surface.

• Attachments: Comes with a PlayStation 5 that is not included in the sale (he will fight you for it), a wardrobe consisting entirely of gym shorts, and the phrase "I'll get to it tomorrow" permanently etched into his DNA.

• Diagnostic Report: Low hours. Even lower ambition. Previous owner reports he once "started a business" that was just a Venmo request for $20. The startup did not survive the first quarter.

• Bonus Pack: Consignor will include a half-empty jar of protein powder, a signed apology note from his mother, and an Applebee's gift card with a remaining balance of $3.47.

• Buyer assumes all responsibility for emotional labor and reminding him to call his dad.

The Fine Print

Ritchie Bros. has updated their standard terms and conditions for the event:

1. No Test Drives: What you see on the ramp is what you are legally bound to support until the next bankruptcy hearing.

2. No Iron Clad Guarantees: If he stops talking to you on the drive home, that is an electrical issue, not an auction liability.

3. Environmental Fees: Bidders are responsible for all emotional reclamation costs.

4. The Kevin Clause: No returns. No refunds. No, you cannot just leave him at a rest stop. We checked the state regulations.

"I've been selling iron for thirty years," muttered one anonymous contractor, wiping away a tear that was 40% diesel exhaust and 60% regret. "I've sold articulating dump trucks. I've sold hydraulic hammers. But nothing hit harder than watching Brenda clear the auction block, win her own bid on a new Peterbilt, and flip me the bird on the way out."

At press time, Linda from the Suburban Development had been hammered down to an 81-year-old grain farmer from Brandon, Iowa. He paid cash and didn't even check the fluid levels.

"I've run old, temperamental combines my whole life," the farmer shrugged, strapping her into the passenger seat of his dually. "At least this one doesn't require a DEF fluid conversion."

Kevin, meanwhile, received zero bids. He is currently standing alone on the auction ramp, eating a cold hot dog, and asking auction staff if anyone has a charger for his dead phone. Ritchie Bros. has announced that all unsold lots will be donated to "a nice lady who thinks she can fix him"—a salvage operation that has never worked out for anyone in human history.

Ritchie Bros. to Auction :The Bottom Line

While Ritchie Bros. expects to clear hundreds of millions in yellow paint alone, the marital divestment sector is being treated by accountants as "pure asset recovery" and by the consignors as "cheaper than a lawyer."

Industry legend Merv Pidherney, on-site for his Hall of Fame induction, was asked for his professional evaluation of the new asset class. He adjusted his white cowboy hat, looked over the crowd of panicked divorcés, and took a slow drag of his cigarette.

"I've had the same foreman at home for fifty years," Merv said. "She's the only lot I ever won where the trade-in value goes up every year. You boys didn't check the serial numbers, and it shows. And Kevin? Kevin needs a job, a shower, and a flashlight to find his zipper. In that order."

Then he climbed into a twin-steer gravel truck, mashed the throttle, and disappeared into a cloud of beautiful, un-divorced black smoke.

Editor's note: This article is satire. Ritchie Bros. does not auction spouses. If you think you recognize your ex in Lot 4,002B or Lot 14,222G, please check your basement. If your TV is missing too, that's not satire—that's just Kevin.

Up Next From Ritchie Bros. The Ex-Husband Auction: Expanded Edition. Lower starting bids. Higher emotional damage. One lot comes with a free project boat that also doesn't run. Another lot is just a guy named Dave who came with the wrong paperwork and a fly that's been down since 2019. Kevin will be there too. He's still looking for a charger. Pre-registration recommended. Therapy mandatory.