Trump Announces 100% Tariff on Chinese Goods, Promises to Finally Make America Pay Again

Make America Pay Again

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In a bold move that has international markets in chaos and your local Amazon “Today’s Deals” page sobbing into a cardboard box, former President Donald Trump has announced a 100% tariff on all Chinese imports, effective November 1st — or, as it’s known in retail, “Black Friday: The Prequel.”

The policy, officially named “The Great Wall of Tariffs 2.0: This Time, It’s Personal,” is designed to revive American manufacturing, though experts say it’s more likely to revive coupon clipping and black-market garlic presses.

Trump declared the tariffs while standing before a giant American flag, an even larger gold “TRUMP” logo, and a slightly smaller but equally shiny photo of himself standing next to the original tariff announcement from 2018. “We’re bringing jobs back,” he proclaimed, “and we’re gonna make China cry, folks — big tears, the biggest tears. I know tears.”

‘100%? Weak sauce,’ says local economist, part-time sword collector

The news was quickly seized upon by one of its most passionate supporters, a man identifying himself only as “Jack Retarde”, who livestreamed his outrage from a bunker-like basement filled with tactical flashlights, Monster Energy cans, and two dueling “Don’t Tread on Me” flags.

“One hundred percent? That’s what my coffee shop charges for oat milk!” Retarde shouted into a webcam duct-taped to a bowling trophy. “We need real tariffs. Patriotic tariffs. 15,000%! It’s called economics, look it up! You make a $20 toaster cost $3,000, and maybe people will finally learn personal responsibility and just eat their bread raw — like our Founding Fathers!”

When a commenter gently pointed out that a 15,000% tariff would make a tube of ChapStick cost the same as a certified pre-owned Honda Civic, Retarde paused, blinked, and whispered, “My lips are chapped from speaking so much truth,” before taking a long sip of what may have been melted butter.

Consumers brace for a Made-in-America reality that doesn’t exist

Meanwhile, average Americans are realizing this could make basic goods cost more than college tuition.

From the spatulas that flip our burgers to the chargers that power our collective doomscrolling, the American consumer now stares into a grim future — and the abyss is staring back, wearing a “TikTok Made Me Buy It” T-shirt and holding a $60 “Smart Spatula” proudly labeled “Assembled in Ohio (Mostly).”

“I love America, but I also love not paying $50 for a garlic press,” said Brenda Shopperson, 42, of Ohio, clutching a $7 avocado slicer like a family heirloom. “They keep talking about these ‘Made in USA’ kitchen tools like they’re some mythical creature. If one exists, it’s probably a subscription-based spatula that sends me inspirational quotes about freedom every month but can’t actually flip a pancake.”

100% Tariff on Chinese Goods --Manufacturers: “Sure, we can make it here — for $900 and your firstborn”

In Washington, officials defended the move with the now-familiar logic of economic patriotism: “Why do we need it if it’s not made in the USA?”

One anonymous manufacturing executive responded via text message:

“Buddy, you want me to hire American workers who need to pay $3,000 a month for rent so they can handcraft a $2 spatula? The liability insurance alone costs more than that. The only thing we can profitably make for $2 anymore is a paperclip, and even that comes with a nondisclosure agreement.”

The truth is, America didn’t forget how to make affordable goods — we just priced ourselves out of remembering. Decades of policy choices have hollowed out production, replaced factories with fulfillment centers, and made “Made in USA” sound less like a label and more like a punchline whispered at Home Depot.

Coming November: $300 Socks and a Moral Victory

As November 1st looms, Americans brace for an economic experiment no one asked for. Some hope it will spark a renaissance in local craftsmanship; others are just Googling “how to make a phone charger out of old shoelaces.”

For now, the nation stands divided — between those who demand “economic patriotism” at any cost, and those who just want to buy a reasonably priced spatula without applying for a small-business loan.

And as one weary economist put it:

“If patriotism means paying $40 for a pack of bendy straws, then congratulations — we’ve finally made America pay again.”

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