Alien Botanist Sues Humanity Over 1982 ‘Kidnapping’: ‘I Was Lured By Candy, Not Curiosity

By Glorbnax-7, Interstellar Correspondent & An Industry Insider.

Alien Sues

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Glorbnax-7, dressed in women's clothes from the semi-documentary E.T.

Washington DC- In a galactic scandal that has left humanity scratching its collective head and muttering, “Wait, what?” a grey extraterrestrial botanist named Glorbnax-7 has filed a lawsuit against Earth, claiming he was the victim of a “traumatic abduction” in 1982 by a human child he refers to as “the tiny war lord.” Speaking from his asteroid-based wellness retreat (where he’s recovering from what he describes as “prolonged exposure to human nonsense”), Glorbnax insists the widely circulated “heartwarming tale” of his time on Earth is a “grotesque lie” — and he’s demanding reparations in the form of 10,000 tons of uranium, a formal apology written in glitter, and a lifetime ban on Reese’s Pieces.

Alien Botanist Sues Humanity: The Incident A Botanist’s Worst Day Ever

According to Glorbnax, the ordeal began innocently enough. He was conducting fieldwork in a California forest, studying Earth’s “bafflingly acidic soil” and trying to figure out why humans insist on growing grass in a desert. “It’s like trying to grow a rainforest on a toaster,” he grumbled. But his research was abruptly interrupted when he was allegedly ambushed by a “shrieking, sugar-crazed human juvenile” who lured him into a shed using a trail of Reese’s Pieces.

“Do you know how humiliating it is to be tricked by candy?” Glorbnax seethed, his voice modulator crackling with indignation. “I’m a decorated intergalactic botanist with three PhDs in xenobotany, not a stray raccoon rummaging through your trash. And those so-called ‘peanut butter’ nuggets? They gave me a six-cycle stomach ache. To this day, the smell of artificial chocolate makes my exoskeleton twitch.”

The alien claims he was then subjected to a “hostile containment situation” inside a human dwelling, where he was imprisoned among “primitive plush organisms” (stuffed animals) and forced to endure endless viewings of a “terrifying puppet-based propaganda program” aka Sesame Street. “The child called me ‘E.T.,’ as if I were some kind of pet. My name is Glorbnax. It’s engraved on my backside, for nebula’s sake!”

Alleged ‘Healing’ Incident: A Workplace Violation

One of the most iconic moments of the alleged abduction — a glowing fingertip “healing” a scraped knee — is, according to Glorbnax, a gross misrepresentation. “The child was a walking disaster,” he said. “Tripping over air, bumping into walls, trying to ‘fly’ off a roof using a bed sheet. I’m a botanist. Do I look like I have a medical license? I zapped him with a plant-reviving laser out of sheer panic, and suddenly I’m ‘magical’? No. I’m just reckless and underqualified.”

He also denies ever uttering the phrase “phone home.” “That was a mistranslation,” he explained. “I said, ‘I need to contact my union rep.’ But the child rigged a Speak & Spell to a coffee can and called it ‘communication.’ My insurance premiums skyrocketed after that. Do you know how much it costs to insure an intergalactic botanist who’s been labeled a ‘healer’? Spoiler: a lot.”

The Great Bike Chase: A ‘War Crime’

Glorbnax, says this is a lie. We did not fly.

The much-romanticized bicycle escape, often set to dramatic orchestral scores in human retellings, is described by Glorbnax as a “harrowing warzone.” “The child strapped me to a rickety two-wheeled contraption and careened down a mountain while being pursued by government agents,” he recalled. “We violated every traffic law in existence — and several that haven’t been invented yet. My third heart still skips a beat thinking about it.”

He reserves particular outrage for the myth that the bicycle “flew” past the moon. “First of all, bicycles don’t fly,” he said. “Second, that ‘moon’ was my home planet’s flag! Imagine being dragged past a symbol of your people’s sovereignty by a child screaming, ‘WOOOO!’ It’s not ‘iconic’ — it’s intergalactic disrespect.”

Government Involvement? ‘The Real Threat Was the Toddler’

While humans often villainize federal agents in their retellings, Glorbnax insists the true menace was his captor’s “domestic terror regime.” “The government just wanted to quarantine me — which, honestly, was reasonable given the circumstances,” he said. “But the child? He force-fed me fermented bean water [beer], hid me in a freezing creek, and tried to dress me in his sister’s clothes. One outfit had ducks on it. DUCKS. I have nightmares about those ducks.”

The alien also disputes accounts of his “near-death experience.” “I didn’t ‘fade’ from homesickness,” he clarified. “I had food poisoning from that ‘macaroni’ substance they served me. Humans eat radioactive orange sludge and wonder why we avoid diplomatic relations.”

Escape: A Desperate Jailbreak

Glorbnax’s eventual departure — often painted as a tearful farewell — was, he claims, a “chaotic jailbreak.” “My crew didn’t ‘return for me,’” he said. “I sent a distress signal via the child’s walkie-talkie, which, incidentally, was coated in a sticky substance I hope was candy. When rescue arrived, the child had the audacity to cry. Oh, now you’re emotional? Where was my hazard pay? My trauma counseling?”

As for the infamous “I’ll be right here” line? “Fiction,” Glorbnax said. “I said, ‘I’ll be right there — in therapy.’”

Life Post-Abduction: Activism and Lawsuits

Today, Glorbnax is a vocal advocate for extraterrestrial workers’ rights, hosting a popular holopodcast, Abducted & Exhausted, and lobbying for stricter regulations on human-alien interactions. His memoir, Phone My Lawyer: A Botanist’s Survival Guide to Earth, includes never-before-seen logs of his captivity, including sketches of the child’s “disturbingly abstract” crayon art.

His lawsuit demands $4.7 billion in damages (“One for every Reese’s Piece I was force-fed”) and a global mandate requiring humans to label candy as “not for intergalactic baiting.”

52 Year old "War Lord" today.

Humanity’s Response: A Shrug and a Snack

When reached for comment, the now-adult “tiny warlord” (a 52-year-old orthodontist) said, “Uh… that’s not how I remember it?” Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Earth’s Coalition of Governments offered this statement: “We regret any… misunderstandings? Also, what’s a ‘Glorbnax’?”

NASA, ever eager to smooth things over, tweeted: “We apologize for… whatever this is. #NotAllHumans (But Maybe Some)”

Final Thought

Alien Botanist Sues Humanity: Perhaps next time we encounter a curious alien botanist, we’ll think twice before waving candy at it. Or, at the very least, we’ll spring for higher-quality snacks. After all, as Glorbnax so eloquently put it, “If you’re going to abduct someone, have the decency to use artisanal chocolate or perhaps those delicious animals you call rats.”

In the meantime, humanity is left to ponder its place in the universe — and whether it’s time to retire the Reese’s Pieces.

#phonehome #et #satire