Testosterone Is the Answer, and Frankly, Civilization Has Been Too Low-T for Centuries

Low T

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America faces crises: inflation, geopolitical instability, declining attention spans, and the rise of pumpkin spice as a year-round flavor. After exhaustive research (conducted primarily at a Bass Pro Shops parking lot), we have determined the root cause: chronic national Low-T.

Let me be clear: every single problem in modern life can be traced back to one simple deficiency — not enough testosterone. Gas prices? Low-T. Crumbling infrastructure? Low-T. The fact that men are now ordering pumpkin spice lattes without irony? You guessed it: tragically, devastatingly, Low-T.

And yet, every time I propose my simple, elegant solution — just give everyone more testosterone — I’m treated like some lunatic yelling in the rain. Which, to be fair, I am. But the rain is where men go to bond with nature while shirtless, so checkmate, critics.

Low-T: The Science That I Made Up but Feels Correct.

FACT: Testosterone doesn’t just build muscle — it also builds the irrational belief you could have gone pro if coach had just put you in. According to my research (conducted entirely while flexing in a gas station bathroom mirror), 87% of men believe they were one bad coaching decision away from an NFL contract. That’s not delusion, that’s destiny suppressed by Low-T.

FACT: High testosterone is why men grill in the rain with no shirt on. Studies show the mere act of flipping a burger during a thunderstorm increases GDP by 4%. Economists won’t tell you this because they’re all on soy milk.

FACT: Testosterone deepens your voice at drive-thrus. My voice has dropped a full octave when saying the words, “Make that a large.” The FDA has refused to investigate this because, again, soy.

FACT: Too much testosterone gives you the urge to build a shed, even if you don’t have tools, lumber, or property rights. Archaeologists recently discovered the pyramids weren’t tombs at all. They were just the world’s most ambitious shed projects.

FACT: Testosterone convinces you yelling at your Wi-Fi will fix it. NASA doesn’t want you to know this, but Apollo 11 only succeeded because Buzz Aldrin shouted at the control panel until it worked.

A National Testosterone Policy

If I were in charge (and I should be, because I bench press democracy), here’s how we fix this country:

• Replace fluoride in the water supply with testosterone. Yes, women and children too. Especially children. Imagine a kindergarten class where every kid is deep-voiced and already building sheds. That’s the future.

• Mandatory shirtless grilling on federal holidays, rain or shine. The IRS will issue propane vouchers.

• Congress must conduct all debates during a thunderstorm while flipping steaks. Gridlock solved.

• TSA will no longer check for weapons. They will check for Low-T levels. If you’re under 600 ng/dL, you’re not cleared for takeoff.

• NASA’s next Mars mission? Forget rocket fuel. Inject the astronauts with testosterone and let them punch their way into orbit.

You can scoff, but history is on my side. Rome didn’t fall because of barbarians — it fell because everyone switched to almond milk. The Dark Ages? That was just a global Low-T event. And the Renaissance? Testosterone levels spiked, and suddenly we had Michelangelo painting ceilings shirtless while grilling ribs over an open flame.

Civilization doesn’t need more politicians. It doesn’t need more regulations. It needs more testosterone. And if you disagree with me, that’s fine. Just know I’ll be in my backyard, rain soaking my skin, flipping steaks with one hand, building a shed with the other, and fixing my Wi-Fi with a voice so deep the router quivers in respect.

Because that’s not just manhood. That’s the future.