Stop Pretending. Zero-Alcohol Beer Is for Psychos and Beta Husbands.

Zero Beer Zero Fun

5:12

Just have a beer. And man-up.

I saw the article. "The 10 Best Non-Alcoholic Beers." Ten of them. Some poor soul spent seven years tasting this garbage so you wouldn't have to. Let me save you the trouble.

Don't buy zero-alcohol beer. (NA)

The alcohol is the point of beer. That's like buying a car with no wheels and saying "the destination is the point." No, Brad, the point is the journey. The point is the gentle hum of ethanol telling your brain that your problems are tomorrow's problems.

You want a drink with no alcohol? I have several suggestions, all of which make more sense than paying $14 for a six-pack of fizzy disappointment.

Option One: Your Own Urine (With a Splash of Apple Cider Vinegar)

Hear me out.

Urine is free. It comes out of you at approximately body temperature. It has zero calories. It has no alcohol. And if you add a splash of apple cider vinegar, it even has that "I'm making a healthy choice" tang that all you NA drinkers seem to crave.

Plus, you can make it fresh anytime. No trip to the store. No fancy can design. No pretending you're enjoying yourself while your soul slowly withers.

I've never tried this combination. But I've also never tried zero-alcohol beer. And I'm willing to bet my version tastes exactly like your version, except mine is cheaper and I didn't have to read a 2,000-word article about "mouthfeel."

Option Two: Just Drink a Real Beer or Don't Drink at All

There are two types of people who drink zero-alcohol beer. Let me break it down for you.

Type One: The Psycho

This is someone who has no medical reason to avoid alcohol. No medication interactions. No pregnancy. No addiction history. They just woke up one day and thought, "You know what? I want the experience of drinking a beer without any of the reasons anyone has ever wanted to drink a beer."

That is not a health choice. That is a personality disorder. These people microwave their ice cream. They clap when the plane lands. They use the word "hydrate" unironically. Stay away from them. They are not safe.

Type Two: The Beta Husband

This guy wants a beer. He needs a beer. His day was hell. The boss screamed at him. The truck broke down. The dog threw up on the rug. He deserves a beer.

But he can't. Because She Who Must Be Obeyed has decided that alcohol is "bad energy" and has replaced the garage fridge with a soda and a collection of estrogen enhancing karma shots.

So she buys him a zero-alcohol beer. Not because he wants it. Because it's the only way he's allowed to hold a can that looks like a beer without getting into a fight he will lose.

Listen to me, brother. I've been married twice. I've worn the pants. I've also had them taken away. Fight back. Drink a real beer or drink nothing. But stop pretending that watery garbage is satisfying anyone except your wife's yoga instructor who is at your house right now as you're reading this from work.

The "Health" Argument Is Garbage

Oh, you're drinking None-Alcoholic (NA) beer because it's "healthier"? Cool. Then why aren't you drinking water? Water has zero calories. Zero alcohol. Zero pretentious can design. And it costs nothing.

But you're not drinking water. You're drinking a product that has been chemically engineered to mimic something it isn't, at triple the price of the real thing, and you're calling it a "lifestyle choice."

That's not health. That's marketing.

You know what's actually healthy? Accepting that you want a beer and having one. Or accepting that you don't and drinking water like a normal person. This weird middle ground where you pretend to drink while actually drinking nothing is just sad.

The One Exception That Proves the Rule

Let me be clear: If you are a recovering alcoholic, do not drink zero-alcohol beer.

I asked a buddy who's been sober for eleven years. He said, "Why would I drink that? It tastes like beer. It feels like beer. That's the problem. I'm not trying to flirt with the thing that almost killed me. I'll drink an iced tea and be fine."

That's the smartest take I've heard. The man respects his own boundaries. Which means the only people left drinking NA beer are the psychos and the betas.

Congratulations. You've been sorted.

A Final Thought Before I Open a Real One

I read the article. The guy said NA beers "finally taste and feel like drinking great beer."

No they don't. They taste like someone described beer to a computer that had never tasted anything. They taste like a lie. They taste like the physical manifestation of settling.

The article also said brewers have to add carbs to mimic the "mouthfeel" of real beer. So you're drinking extra carbs, no alcohol, and paying more.

That's not a beer. That's a punishment.

Drink a real beer or don't drink beer. But stop pretending that sparkling disappointment in a fancy can is fooling anyone except yourself and your overbearing wife who, let's be honest, has been making all your decisions since you told her no once after you got engaged.

Stand up. Put down the NA IPA. Crack a real one.

Or don't. And just drink your own urine. It's free, it's fresh, and it has exactly the same amount of alcohol.

Cheers, you absolute psychos.