SKIP HONCHO’S CAN’T-FAIL GUIDE TO TRADING LIKE A CONGRESSMAN’S WIFE

This book should only get 3-5 in a federal pen. Easy team for her. - Skip Honcho

Listen up, you beautiful grease-covered degenerates and the eleven brave women still subscribed to my Only Fans...

Brenda from accounting, babe, the hard hat stays on during videos. We’ve talked about this.

You’re out here welding rebar in 100-degree humidity, dodging OSHA like they owe you money, and praying your truck doesn’t get repo’d before the next paycheck.

Meanwhile, Congress has turned the stock market into their personal casino where the slots are rigged, the dealers are their cousins, and the house always wins, because they are the house.

But glory be, JD Vance and President Trump just said the quiet part loud:

Ban Congress from trading individual stocks.

The same swamp creatures who drop 4,000-page pork monsters at 3 a.m. — bills that somehow make Senator Sniffles’ brother-in-law’s solar-powered squirrel farm moon 1,200% overnight, are about to hear

“No more day-trading with insider info, you filthy animals.” Based? Hell yes. Here’s where it gets funnier than a sober man at a Teamster wedding.

While Vance is out here sounding like a Reddit dad who just discovered the word “ethics,” Trump’s own money managers were straight-up executing the market like it owed them lunch money. According to the U.S. Office of Government Ethics (that noble three-intern-and-a-dying-printer operation), Trump’s team unleashed 3,700 trades in the first quarter alone.

Million-dollar Nvidia buys. Dell. Oracle. Whatever Big Tech they could mainline. These boys weren’t buying the dip, they powerbombed the dip, suplexed it through a flaming table, hit the Undertaker sit-up, and screamed

“TECH DADDY NEEDS HIS TENDIES!”

Meanwhile, some poor bastard in a hard hat is watching his 401(k) — 60% Target Date Fund dogshit slowly getting euthanized by inflation. All while Nancy Pelosi’s husband trades like he’s got a Bloomberg terminal in one hand and a crystal ball in the other. Mr Nacy Pelosi could find a winning scratch-off in a burning meth lab.

Peak 2026, baby:

Congress: “We must ban stock trading to save democracy!”

Trump’s money guys: Quietly printing harder than the Federal Reserve on bath salts.

You: Eating a gas station day old hot dog that tastes like regret, praying Bitcoin hits $150k before your truck gets repossessed by Big Finance.

Now look. You know me.

I’m Skip Honcho. I once lost $47,000 on lumber futures because I thought “housing starts” meant the boys were really excited about building decks.

I’ve blown up more trading accounts than the Department of Education’s budgeting app. My credit score is currently a 404 error.

But I’ve made money too. Real money. And here’s the only truth that matters on a jobsite or in the market: the only way to beat these crooks is to trade exactly like they do— just slower, broker, and with worse information.

So kings, gather round. I present to you:

SKIP HONCHO’S CAN’T-FAIL, GUARANTEED, TOTALLY LEGAL (IN CERTAIN ZIP CODES) OPTIONS STRATEGY

Wait for the next 3 a.m. omnibus abomination — something boring like the “Semiconductor Supply Chain Resiliency and Also We Help Our Donors Act.”

Check which congressman’s wife, cousin, or suspiciously named LLC bought half a million in calls on some random chip stock three days earlier. Ride that trade like a rented mule on bath salts, then cash out before the C-SPAN lights even turn on.

We don’t need to be insiders. We just follow the stench of insider trading.

These people are too rich and too arrogant to cover their tracks. They leak worse than a Detroit porta-potty in August.

I’m not asking for your money upfront. I’m asking for your company… and plausible deniability.

You do the clicking, I do the thinking.

We split profits 70/30 — 70 to me because genius ain’t free, 30 to you because orange is not your color. This cannot fail. Unless the market crashes, in which case we blame China, start a Substack, and sell “I Survived the Great Meltdown” merch.

Reply with your email and Social Security number. Let’s get rich. Let’s beat the Pelosis at their own game. My cash app is....

EDITOR’S NOTE:

The preceding column was submitted by “Skip Honcho,” the owners idiot brother, a name that appears to be what happens when a routing number has a stroke.

Mr. Honcho’s “strategy” violates roughly eleven federal securities laws, our comment policy, basic human decency, and quite possibly the laws of physics.

We have permanently banned him from asking for money on this publication. His IP has been forwarded to the SEC, who replied “Oh God, not this guy again.”

If you sent him your SSN, immediately contact your bank, a priest, and perhaps a fraud protection agency for good measure.

This news organization does not endorse trading on congressional leaks, even ironically. Especially not while misspelling “strategy.”

We apologize for Skip Honcho. He was our mothers mistake. I am currently in therapy.

— Mike Honcho, The Editor.

TRADING LIKE A CONGRESSMAN.