HOLLYWOOD SOLVES ITS MONOPOLY PROBLEM BY ORDERING HOLLYWOOD TO MAKE MORE MOVIES

This is a photo of the Paramont water tank. We will film a fast and furious movie on it. And yes it will require nudity.

LOS ANGELES — Hollywood has apparently discovered the solution to having too much corporate consolidation:

Make more movies.

Paramount Skydance has reached a settlement with California and 11 other states, clearing a major legal hurdle to its approximately $110 billion merger with Warner Bros. Discovery.

The agreement is designed to address concerns that the merger could reduce competition, hurt workers, and result in fewer movies being made.

The solution?

Paramount must make at least 30 theatrical films a year for the first two years, followed by 32 a year for the next three.

Because if you're worried that two giant entertainment companies becoming one giant entertainment company might reduce competition, apparently the answer is to make sure the giant entertainment company is extremely busy.

The settlement also requires Paramount to increase domestic film production spending by at least $300 million annually compared with 2025 levels, totaling at least $1.5 billion over five years. If the company misses its film-production targets, it can face financial penalties and potentially be required to sell assets.

So somewhere in Burbank, an executive is presumably staring at a spreadsheet and realizing:

"We have to make how many movies?"

Let me answer that for them.

Thirty.

And I have a pitch for all thirty.

THIRTY MOVIES. ONE VISION. MINE.

I read this story and I did what I always do when I see a vacuum in the marketplace.

I filled it with myself.

Paramount needs thirty movies a year. That's a lot of movies. That's more movies than most studios make in two years. That means they need ideas. That means they need vision. That means they need someone who has never worked in Hollywood, has never read a script, has never been on a set, and has complete, unshakeable confidence that he is the only person alive who can save them.

That person is me.

And I have a franchise.

THE FAST & FURIOUS FRANCHISE: ANIMATED. ADULTS ONLY. PRODUCED BY ME.

Let me be clear. I love the Fast & Furious franchise. I have seen every single one. Twice. Once by accident. Eleven times on purpose.

But the franchise has a problem. It's live action. It's PG-13. It's constrained by the laws of physics, sometimes, the MPAA, and the fact that Vin Diesel has to physically be in the movie.

I can fix all three of those problems.

My pitch:

Fast & Furious: Compliance. Animated. Adults only. Full nudity. Thirty movies. One per year. For thirty years. Non-negotiable.

The plot is simple. Dom Toretto is on a mission to mars. The family has scattered. And the only man who can bring them back together is a self-made innovation consultant with a background in construction marketing and a vision for what "family" really means.

I play that man. I have already written the first three scripts.

Movie one: Fast & Furious: Compliance. I arrive at a merger hearing. I am nude. I explain to the attorneys general that the only way to save the franchise is to make it animated and adults only.

Movie two: Fast & Furious: Compliance 2: We're Serious This Time. The studio tries to make the movie PG-13. I intervene. I am still nude.

Movie three: Fast & Furious: Compliance 3: The Compliance Monitor. I am appointed by the settlement board to oversee the franchise. I am still nude. I am also the compliance monitor. The conflict of interest is the plot plus there is a giant snake.

Movie four: Fast & Furious: Antitrust Settlement. Crossover event. The cast of every Paramount property shows up. All nude. All animated. All in the same room.

Movies five through thirty: I haven't written them yet. But they will also be nude. They will be animated. And they will be mine.

WHY ANIMATION? WHY NUDITY? WHY THIRTY?

Three excellent questions. I will answer them in reverse order.

Why thirty?

Because that's the settlement. I don't make the rules. I just exploit them creatively. The government said thirty. I said thirty. We are aligned.

Why nudity?

Because the Fast & Furious franchise is about family. And family is about honesty. And honesty is about not wearing clothes. Every great leader knows this. I have never been in a boardroom where I was the only one wearing clothes. I have also never been in a boardroom. But the principle holds.

Why animation?

Because I am not physically capable of the stunts required. I have a bad knee. I also refuse to do my own driving. And if I am going to be nude on camera for thirty consecutive films, I would prefer to be drawn by someone else. Preferably someone in Italy. Or Japan. Or wherever the good animators are.

THE EDITORIAL INDEPENDENCE BOARD HAS ALSO BEEN NOTIFIED

The settlement also includes a new News Editorial Independence Board intended to oversee journalistic standards at CBS News and CNN.

I have submitted my application to join. I have not been asked to apply. I have submitted it anyway.

My qualifications:

- I have never worked in journalism.

- I have strong opinions.

- I am available immediately.

- I am nude.

- I am animated.

I am awaiting their response.

THE WRITERS ARE CONCERNED

The Writers Guild of America has expressed concern about the merger. They are worried about what thirty movies a year means for their profession.

I want to address them directly.

Writers. I hear you. I respect you. I have also written seven and a half books that nobody has read, so I understand what it feels like to be ignored.

But the good news is this: I am going to need writers. Thirty scripts is a lot of scripts. I cannot write all of them myself. I have tried. I have written the first three. The fourth is giving me trouble.

So here is my offer. I will hire writers. I will pay them. I will not be nude in front of them. Probably.

All scripts must contain the word "family" at least forty times. All scripts must feature me. All scripts must be animated. All scripts must be adults only.

If you can meet those conditions, we can work together.

THE FUTURE OF HOLLYWOOD: MORE MOVIES, FEWER COMPANIES, ONE THADDEUS

The irony is almost beautiful. The government was worried that the merger would reduce competition and output.

The settlement requires the combined company to increase output.

And I have volunteered to be the output.

One fewer competitor. Thirty more movies. And one man — animated, nude, and unafraid — standing at the center of all of them.

Nobody knows exactly what this will look like. But there will be thirty of them next year.

And if there aren't?

Well, apparently someone is selling Miramax. I am also interested in Miramax.

Please contact me directly.

I am nude.

I am ready.

Thaddeus Steelcroft is the Chief Innovation Officer of Hard Hat Kings, the future star of the animated, adults-only Fast & Furious franchise, and a current applicant to the News Editorial Independence Board. He has not been asked to apply. He has also not been asked to stop applying. He can be reached at any Hampton Inn that currently has his name on the conference room reservation. He is not licensed to practice anything. He is not nude at press time. He is animated at all times.