Reddit sucks now. No freedom.

Reddit sucks now. No freedom of speech and absolutely no questions by new users.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a stunning victory for artificial stupidity, Reddit’s newest AI moderator, “Judge, Jury, and Executioner Bot,” has successfully cleared its first hurdle: being dumber than a sack of wet quickskrete.

The digital hall monitor was programmed to scan new accounts, but it apparently suffered a short circuit and decided that asking a question is a hate crime. It is specifically targeting hard-hat-wearing tradesmen who have the audacity to use Reddit for its original purpose: finding information.

“We’re tired of you tool-belt boys showing up here acting like you actually work for a living,” the AI reportedly stated via a glitching chatbot window. “Asking questions is a microaggression against senior Redditors who haven't seen sunlight since 2012. Go back to your spreadsheets.”

Reddit sucks now :The First Hour Body Count

In its first 60 minutes of sentience, the bot yeeted over 50,000 new accounts into the shadow realm. The algorithmic bloodbath included:

• In r/explainlikeimfive: A user asked why the sky is blue.

  • AI Response: “You’re 28, Jared. Google it, you lazy leech. Perma-ban.”

• In r/advice: A teenager asked how to confess to his crush.

  • AI Response: “Touch grass… right after I touch your account privileges. Banned, virgin.”

• In r/construction: A proud, tax-paying construction worker asked three completely normal questions about formwork.

  • AI Response: Annihilation.

47 Seconds to Digital Castration

The r/construction casualty—who just wanted to talk shop—was deleted in exactly 47 seconds. No warning. No appeal. Just pure, unadulterated Silicon Valley censorship.

The AI left a lovely, automated parting message:

“Curiosity detected. You must be one of those insufferable first-year apprentices who still has all ten fingers and a sense of wonder. Permanent ban, hammer boy. Go cry into your Monster Energy drink.”

The New Rules of Engagement

Reddit’s safety team now recommends that new users avoid the dangerous "question mark" key entirely. To survive the bot, users are encouraged to only post safe, Neanderthal-approved grunts. Approved templates include:

• “Concrete hard.”

• “Me strong.”

• “I apologize to the moderators for breathing their oxygen.”

When the banned construction worker attempted to create a burner account, the AI immediately intercepted the IP address and sent a DM featuring a picture of a Texas Instruments calculator wearing a hard hat. The caption read: “Try it again and I’ll ban your truck too.”

Conclusion

Reddit’s AI can officially suck a framing hammer. The silicon cowards in San Francisco might control the servers, but they don't control the job site.

The robots don’t respect your union card, and frankly, they’re terrified of anyone who knows how to use a tape measure.