_edited.jpg)
CNBC, IF YOU CAN'T WIN MAKE IT A BLACK THING.
- Jeremy Borings #1 Fan
- Feb 27
- 3 min read
Updated: Feb 28
Written by Someone Who’s Definitely Not Writing This from a Federal Job (Anymore)
BREAKING NEWS — In a stunning revelation that shocked exactly zero Black Americans, CNBC has announced that systemic racism might have consequences! The financial news giant, best known for its riveting coverage of stock market fluctuations and CEOs who definitely don’t cry in their Teslas, tweeted this week: “Federal job cuts disrupt a stable retirement picture for many workers, including Black Americans.”
Wait… including Black Americans?
Hold on, let me grab my “Surprised Pikachu” face. Ah, there it is.
SECTION 1: “But Why Us, Though?” — A Question No Black Person Has Ever Asked
Let’s dissect CNBC’s Pulitzer-worthy journalism here. Imagine you’re a cracker at CNBC, sipping a pumpkin spice latte, when suddenly you remember as an editor:
Oh right! Black people! You panic. You need to make your article about federal layoffs spicy. What do you do?
Step 1: Casually drop “including Black Americans” into the headline, like it’s a Netflix disclaimer before a Dave Chappelle special.
Step 2: Cite a resume coach from Alabama named Janine, because nothing says “credible data” like a woman who knows how to spin “proficient in Microsoft Excel” into poetry.
Step 3: Ignore the fact that Black folks have been side-eyeing “stable retirement plans” since the invention of the 401(k) — which, coincidentally, was created by a cracker who thought “retirement” meant “yacht money.”
SECTION 2: The CNBC Diversity Playbook™ Exposed!
Sources reveal CNBC’s editorial strategy for covering minorities:
The “Somehow More Depressing” Clause: Any economic downturn article must include a throwaway line about how it’s even worse for Black people. Bonus points if you use the phrase “disproportionately affected” without explaining why.
The “Token Trauma Expert”: Find a Black person with a LinkedIn profile. Ask them to cry on camera. If unavailable, a stock photo of a frowning Black nurse will do.
The “White Savior Subplot”: Suggest that the solution to systemic inequality is, checks notes, more federal jobs? Or maybe a corporate diversity seminar hosted by HR Karen, also cracker?
SECTION 3: “But We’re Just Raising Awareness!” — CNBC, Probably
In an exclusive interview with this reporter, a CNBC spokesperson defended their tweet: “Look, we had to mention Black Americans. How else would our viewers know we’ve heard of them? Next week, we’ll explain why inflation is hitting Latino communities harder by interviewing a guy named Steve who once ate a taco.”
Meanwhile, Janine Wiggins, the resume coach quoted in the article, had this to say: “I just wanted to help people format their resumes. Now I’m the face of Black economic despair. Can I get a royalty check?”
SECTION 4: How to Fix Racism in 3 Easy Steps (According to CNBC)
Step 1: Identify a problem affecting all Americans.
Step 2: Add “especially Black people” to the headline.
Step 3: Exploit and Profit.
SECTION 5: A Message to White Liberals (From Your “Friend”)
Dear Well-Meaning Cracker,
We know you care! You’ve got the “In This House…” yard sign and everything! But when you hyper-focus on Black pain like it’s a limited-edition Trader Joe’s snack, you’re not helping. You’re just doing racism with jazz hands.
Next time, try:
Writing about economic inequality without turning us into the Hunger Games mascot.
Hiring a Black editor who can explain why “including Black Americans” isn’t the flex you think it is.
Not being CNBC.
EPILOGUE: Boycott Evil Media (But First, Let Me Tweet This)
In conclusion, yes, boycott CNBC. Or don’t. Honestly, we’re all too tired to organize another boycott. Just know that if you need a reliable source of news, I hear a Magic 8-Ball is available.
CALL TO ACTION WHITE PEOPLE: Smash your TV. Or, if you’re reading this on your phone, throw it gently into a pillow. Then go pet a dog. Dogs don’t care about your race. They just want treats. Be more like dogs.
Comments