Palisades Nuclear Plant Moves Closer to Restart by End of 2025, After Heroic Removal of Three Dead Possums

Possum Clean Up

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Palisades will be the first nuclear plant in the U.S. to reopen after decommissioning—because apparently ‘shut down forever’ now just means ‘nap until the possums are cleared out.

COVERT, MI — The Palisades Nuclear Plant, mothballed in 2022 after decades of being Michigan’s favorite radioactive night light, is now on track to fire back up by year’s end. The breakthrough came last week when engineers finally located and removed three dead possums that had been “compromising morale” inside the turbine hall.

Holtec International, the plant’s owner and also the name of a villain in a bad Bond movie, called the possum extraction “the final obstacle” to bringing the reactor online.

“Honestly, the systems were fine,” admitted Holtec spokesperson Nick Culp. “It was just the smell. Once you remove three decomposed marsupials from a warm concrete cavern, the NRC suddenly becomes very agreeable.”

From Decommissioned to “Zombie Reactor”

Palisades, which originally opened in 1971, was decommissioned in 2022 after Entergy got tired of running a reactor built the same year Nixon declared war on drugs. Holtec swooped in to buy the corpse, promising to either dismantle it or, as they now prefer, reanimate it like Frankenstein’s monster.

If restarted, Palisades will be the first nuclear plant in U.S. history to return from the dead. “It’s a zombie reactor,” explained one NRC staffer. “Except instead of eating brains, it just leaks steam and kills fish.”

Palisades Nuclear Plant: The Billion-Dollar Possum Hunt

Last year, the U.S. Department of Energy approved a $1.52 billion loan guarantee for the restart, most of which apparently went toward industrial-strength Febreze and possum retrieval equipment.

“This is the most expensive game of hide-and-seek in American history,” said Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel. “We had to spend nearly two billion dollars just to find three marsupials who’d been living rent-free in there since Kid Rock was relevant.”

Critics Sound Alarm Over Glowing Fish

Not everyone is thrilled. Anti-nuclear watchdog group Beyond Nuclear has called Palisades a “time bomb on Lake Michigan,” warning that restarting the plant could jeopardize 21% of the planet’s fresh water supply and 100% of the lake’s perch population.

Kevin Kamps, a group spokesman, asked reporters, “Do you want to be the one explaining to your grandchildren why their goldfish glows in the dark?”

Still, the NRC maintains there are “no significant hazards to consider.” Which is exactly what they said about Chernobyl, Fukushima, and every Taco Bell drive-thru past 1 a.m.

“We’re Not Cutting Corners”

Holtec insists safety is their top priority, even as critics accuse them of holding the steam generators together with duct tape and optimism.

Engineer Arnold Gundersen, a 50-year nuclear veteran, testified, “Band-Aids are useless since the steam generators are already gangrenous. Restarting Palisades is like performing CPR on a mummy.”

Holtec’s Culp shot back, “Listen, nobody’s stapling this thing together with paperclips. We use advanced methods like ‘tube sleeving,’ which is basically just Home Depot copper tubing and prayers.”

Holtec’s Bright Future: Smaller, Weirder Reactors

Holtec also dreams of building small modular reactors (SMRs), which they promise are safer, cheaper, and only slightly more likely to turn your town into a glowstick.

“These are basically nuclear Easy-Bake Ovens,” explained Culp. “You can run them out of a high school gymnasium. Michigan kids could literally do science fair projects on them.”

Opponents remain unconvinced. “Zombie reactors plus baby reactors equals catastrophic meltdown,” said Kamps, visibly sweating through his Patagonia fleece.

Honorable Mentions in Nuclear Stupidity

• The J.H. Campbell coal plant, slated for closure, has also been ordered by the Energy Secretary to “just keep burning stuff” until at least November, because Michigan winters require heat and rolling blackouts are bad for votes.

• Meanwhile, Three Mile Island—yes, that Three Mile Island—is also seeking a restart by 2027. Constellation Energy has already signed a deal to power Microsoft data centers, meaning your Xbox could one day run on the same reactor that melted down in 1979.

What This Means for Michiganders

If all goes according to plan, by December the Palisades reactor will once again be humming like a 50-year-old fridge with a bad compressor.

Supporters say this will restore Michigan’s carbon-free energy supply, cut natural gas use, and give the state bragging rights as the first to resurrect a nuclear zombie. Opponents argue it could also “accidentally boil the Great Lakes like a giant pot of ramen.”

Either way, one thing is certain: the three possums did not die in vain.

Skip Honcho’s Betting Lines on Palisades Nuclear Restart

Because why not gamble on nuclear chaos?

• First animal to break in post-restart: Raccoon, -110.

• Number of times someone says “Chernobyl” on local news during first week: Over/Under 37.5.

• Odds of Michigan residents glowing faintly by 2026: +400.