How to Get Rich (or Divorced) on NFL Prop Bets

Its mighty morphin Bettin' Time

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By Skip Honcho, Cousin of Mike Honcho, Professional Degenerate Gambler.

Result of being a winner!

A one bedroom palace, location unknown - Listen up, degenerate visionaries of the gridiron, if you’re still out here betting on “yards gained” and “touchdowns scored,” you might as well staple your paycheck to a carrier pigeon and send it directly to DraftKings HQ with a handwritten note that says, “Please bully me harder.” That’s rookie-tier philanthropy, the kind of soft charity usually reserved for people who clap when the plane lands. But not you you’re a certified lunatic with enough fire in your veins to turn Gatorade into kerosene. Skip Honcho doesn’t bet on stats, he bets on the cosmic threads that control the NFL universe: like whether the kicker’s left sock slides down past his shin mid-second quarter, or if the coach’s headset short-circuits after he sneezes into it. That’s the high art, the inside dealing, the stuff they try to bury in the desert next to Jimmy Hoffa and the Raiders’ Super Bowl dreams.

NFL Prop bets

Now, let’s be honest these aren’t bets for your “weekend beer money.” These are bets for psychos, for legacy plays, for men who wake up every morning and butter their toast with pure adrenaline. You’re not a sheep grazing on the sportsbook’s pasture—you’re a war goat strapped with dynamite, charging headfirst into Vegas like it’s the Alamo with Wi-Fi. Your pension? Throw it on the line. Your kid’s 529 college fund? Double down. Your neighbor’s emotional support ferret? Mortgage that sucker. Because here’s the truth: only legends bet on whether the sideline waterboy trips over the chain gang in Q3. Only maniacs profit from the over/under on Gisele Bündchen’s facial expressions during a Tom Brady retirement cameo. Normal men bet final scores. Great men bet destiny.

NFL Prop bets Continued:

Arizona Cardinals

Bet: Will Kyler Murray wear Heelys to at least one game? (+5000)Cliff Kingsbury once banned scooters, so Kyler is due to roll up like a suburban middle schooler at a mall Hot Topic.

Atlanta Falcons

Bet: Will Arthur Blank finally smile without looking like a Batman villain? (+1200)Hint: no. That face has been frozen in "oil tycoon who just lost a bidding war for a Fabergé egg."

Baltimore Ravens

Bet: Number of live ravens that will escape during pregame pyrotechnics (O/U 1.5).If the over hits, a drunk uncle from Dundalk will attempt falconry mid-game.

Buffalo Bills

Bet: Odds a Bills fan suplexes a folding table that’s already on fire (+250).Buffalo isn’t a city. It’s a Viking training camp with bad weather.

Carolina Panthers

Bet: Over/under number of times Bryce Young gets mistaken for a ball boy by security (set at 6.5).

Chicago Bears

Bet: Will the Bears finally find a quarterback before the Sun explodes? (No, -100000).

Cincinnati Bengals

Bet: Will Joe Burrow smoke a celebratory cigarette after a win that turns into a Marlboro sponsorship on live TV? (+750).Only man alive who could make emphysema look marketable.

Cleveland Browns

Bet: Number of Browns fans who will get full-torso Deshaun Watson tattoos before realizing they hate themselves (line set at 19.5).

Dallas Cowboys

Bet: Will Jerry Jones finally upload his consciousness into a giant stadium-sized jumbotron? (+300).The screen already winks at me during night games.

Denver Broncos

Bet: Russell Wilson’s next career move: televangelist or children’s puppet show host? (Pick’em).

Detroit Lions

Bet: Number of knee caps Dan Campbell personally bites off on the sideline (O/U 0.5).Take the over, coward.

Green Bay Packers

Bet: Will Jordan Love legally change his name to “Discount Rodgers 2.0”? (+1500).

Houston Texans

Bet: Number of times Texans fans will confuse C.J. Stroud for a tax accountant because of his calm demeanor (set at 3.5).

Indianapolis Colts

Bet: Will Jim Irsay attempt to buy the moon at halftime? (+4000).Not naming a stadium after Peyton, but yes, the celestial rock 239,000 miles away.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Bet: Will Trevor Lawrence’s shampoo sponsor finally be Pantene, Herbal Essences, or Mane ‘n Tail horse conditioner? (Mane ‘n Tail, -300).

Kansas City Chiefs

Bet: Will Taylor Swift dump Travis Kelce by Week 6 and drop a double album called Tight End, Loose Ends? (-175).

Las Vegas Raiders

Bet: How many players will "accidentally" marry Elvis impersonators this season? (Set at 2.5).

Los Angeles Chargers

Bet: Number of games fans forget they exist despite living in the country’s second-largest city (O/U 15.5).

Los Angeles Rams

Bet: Will Matthew Stafford accidentally call Sean McVay “Dad” in a postgame presser? (+275).

Miami Dolphins

Bet: Number of times Tyreek Hill outruns a speedboat during bye week fishing trips (line: 1.5).

Minnesota Vikings

Bet: Over/under on Kirk Cousins saying “Aw shucks” after a sack (set at infinity).

New England Patriots

Bet: Will Bill Belichick’s dog draft better players than his scouts? (-200).

New Orleans Saints

Bet: Will the Superdome be powered by actual voodoo sacrifices by midseason? (+1100).

New York Giants

Bet: Number of fans who realize Daniel Jones’ nickname “Danny Dimes” is ironic (set at 0.5).

New York Jets

Bet: Will Aaron Rodgers mention ayahuasca more times than touchdowns this year? (Even money).

Philadelphia Eagles

Bet: Will Philly fans boo Santa Claus again, even if Santa is a Make-A-Wish kid? (Lock of the Year).

Pittsburgh Steelers

Bet: Odds Mike Tomlin wins a staring contest with a steel beam (+250).That jawline is forged in Pittsburgh steel.

And that’s the list, folks. If you bet responsibly, you’re doing it wrong. Skip Honcho doesn’t believe in “responsible gambling.” He believes in hocking your grandma’s wedding ring at a pawn shop in Reno to hammer the over on “How many beers Andy Reid will spill on his shirt before halftime.” Thats where the glory lives. PS can I borrow $250 bucks, I'll pay you back...

We cut the last line, we will not allow Skip to drop his paypal, cash app, only fans... - Hard Hat Kings management.