In Groundbreaking Trade, Russia Exchanges Submarine Reactor for North Korea’s “Slightly Used” Collection of Sad Salute GIFs

North Korea

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Sad North Koreans.

In a move hailed by military analysts as “extremely normal and not at all like a Bond villain’s plot,” Russia has reportedly gifted North Korea a fully functioning nuclear submarine reactor. Sources confirm the reactor was delivered in exchange for three cases of imported vodka, a lifetime supply of kimchi, and Pyongyang’s entire archive of low-resolution JPEGs of Kim Jong-un looking at things.

Russia Exchanges Submarine Reactor

The deal, brokered over a friendly game of Risk that “got way out of hand,” will allow North Korea to finally realize its dream of constructing a nuclear submarine—or, as it’s known in diplomatic circles, “a tube of instant regret.”

South Korean intelligence officials first grew suspicious when they intercepted communications between Moscow and Pyongyang that simply read:

Vladimir: “u up?”

Kim: “can’t sleep. thinking about nuclear subs.”

Vladimir: “say no more.”

According to the report, the reactor modules were likely pulled from “decommissioned” Russian submarines—a term the Russian Navy uses interchangeably with “submarines that briefly caught fire one time and were then hosed off behind a shed.”

Pyongyang sees nuclear submarine technology as a key military capability.

“It’s really a win-win,” explained one geopolitical analyst, while nervously looking over both shoulders. “Russia gets rid of old military hardware that was just taking up space, and North Korea gets a terrifying new toy to ensure no one ever interrupts their national pastime of making increasingly aggressive PowerPoint presentations.”

When asked how a country that can’t reliably keep the lights on plans to maintain a nuclear naval fleet, a North Korean spokesman simply nodded vigorously and whispered, “It glows in the dark. Very efficient.”

The submarine reactor is expected to be installed aboard the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s first nuclear-powered vessel, the SSWN Very Stable Genius. The sub’s maiden voyage will reportedly be a mission to locate and retrieve a single missing shoe that floated away during Kim Jong-un’s 2019 beach day.

International response has been, as ever, perfectly measured. The United Nations Security Council is drafting a strongly worded memo suggesting that maybe, perhaps, if it’s not too much trouble, both countries could please consider maybe not doing that?

Meanwhile, a representative from the Russian Ministry of Defense was reached for comment but could only be heard laughing over the sound of a Geiger counter clicking rhythmically in the background.