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Excavtion: Why Trench Walls are Optional in the Quest for Beer
- Chad Flex IV
- 2 hours ago
- 4 min read
In the utility world, we are often told to “call before you dig” and “respect the laws of physics.” To that, I say: laws are just opinions written by people who have never felt the raw, erotic power of a 20-ton counterweight swinging blindly toward a transformer.
If you want to finish your trench before the inevitable lawsuit hits your inbox, you need to stop “planning” and start “panicking.” Here is the Hard Hat Kings guide to high-performance trenching through sheer, unadulterated negligence.
1. BUCKET SELECTION: THE “SPOON VS. CHAINSAW” PHILOSOPHY
The industry recommends a “narrow trenching bucket.” That’s for people who want to be precise, like a surgeon or someone who isn't currently vibrating from six cans of sugar-free walmart brand energy drinks and 600mg of shroom gummies.
For maximum speed, use the widest, gnarliest bucket you have. Ideally one you “found” behind a shuttered Sears or won in a high-stakes game of russian roulette. If the bucket has teeth missing, even better; it creates a “natural, rustic” trench wall that looks like it was chewed out by a prehistoric beast with a grudge and googlie eyes. Lookin' at you seasame street.
Shoring & Shielding: Forget the metal trench box. It’s just a cage that prevents you from hearing the earth’s secrets. Instead, hire a furry to stand at the edge and hold the dirt back with his horse mask and good intentions . His fake fur naturally distributes the surcharge load, and if the trench collapses, he’s legally considered a “cryptid,” not an employee. No workers’ comp for insane austistic people...
2. THE SPOIL PILE: THE “SPICY LIP” TECHNIQUE
“Experts” (people who wear clean vests and have soft hands) say to place spoil piles far from the trench. This is cowardice. Is this something Tomahawk Joe would have done in the war of 1812? Hell no!
To minimize swing time, pile your dirt directly on the vibrating lip of the hole. Gently, with masculine energies... Ignore the gooseberry's floating around you because of the mushroom gummies....
You want that pile so precarious that a single sneeze from a passing Mario brother jumping on a turtle could trigger a localized tectonic event. This creates a “dynamic workspace” where the floor could become the ceiling at any moment.
It keeps the ground crew on their toes, specifically the ones they haven't lost yet. But don't worry we can fix that, toes are for rich people...
THE CAB: A LANDfill OF BAD DECISIONS
Manufacturers keep putting "safety features" in cabs. Backup cameras. Seatbelts. Automatic shutoffs if you tip past 15 degrees. Cowards, all of them. They probably all sucked their thumbs...
I've stripped my cab down to the essentials: a mountain dew tap, where the radio used to be, a 12-volt hot plate duct-taped to the armrest for back bacon, and a floor mat made from the shredded remains of an owner's manual for a 2006 sony television.
The machine has a screen. I don't know what it's for. I covered it with Polaroid photos of a 20 year old mom's. That's my "grade control." If I can still see the photo's through the hydraulic spray and the tears of my ground guy still dressed as a furry, I'm not dead yet and I've not gone far enough...
4. UTILITY LOCATING: THE “SPARKS & GEYSERS” SYSTEM
Why use a laser or a rod when you can use the “Ancestral Memory” method? Dig until you hit something expensive. Then, interpret the results:
Blue Geyser: Water main. (Free job site shower! Also, now a sinkhole. Its fun for the local kids)
Orange Sparks: Fiber optics. (Congratulations. You just sent a suburban neighborhood back to the Stone Age. They’ll thank you for the digital detox eventually. Netflix is for the gays anyway...)
Yellow Hiss: Gas line. (Test your 40-yard dash. Winner gets first pick of the hospital beds filled with people sicker than you are....)
Brown Spurt: Sewer. (No notes. You know what you did. The smell is your penance and your reward. I'm lookin' at you furry!)
Red Spurt: Your furry startled you. (He’s fine. He’s just demanding double beef jerky to keep his mouth shut about the sewer incident.)
5. CREW MORALE: THE WHISPER METHOD
If your spotter isn't communicating exclusively through aggressive hand gestures and terrified, high-pitched shrieking, he’s not paying attention. Fire any ground guy who uses the radio for anything other than playing distorted classic drum & bass through the excavator’s working cabin speakers.
Incentives: I offer a case of aged Zima for every utility line not hit. To date, I have bought zero cases. My profit margins are incredible just like that little blue man floating around me. Did I take mushrooms? I can't remember...
AN INTEGRATED APPROACH TO UNEMPLOYMENT
Daily equipment inspections are a waste of valuable drinking time. If the machine is screaming, it’s just because it’s excited. If the “Check Engine” light comes on, cover it with a “Paul Wall for President” sticker and keep pulling levers you never use...
Sponsored by: Bud Zero - Why?, Bigfoot’s Artisanal Beef Jerky, and the Law Offices of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe and Kill Tony.
Remember: Every trench is a grave if you’re brave enough.
Trench Walls are Optional | Trench Walls are Optional
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